simplicity.

2011-01-11T00:02:00.003+08:00

salam.

it has been a long time since i wrote something here,
but i just needed somewhere to let my feelings out now.
i know that this blog is not going to be read by people anyway.
so here goes...

4 months have passed since i had my accident.
and tomorrow is the second day of school.
truthfully, i am terrified thinking about the journey to school and back.
though my mom did volunteer to follow me but, i dont want to burden her.

i have understood for a very long time that i am not worthy to burden others.
and, i feel very sad about burdening others,
cause i know that everyone is busy with their own lives.
i know that people feels obligated to help me out and,
i just dont want that.

there are better ways for them to make use of their time.
so, i really do apologise for having to bother hannah to just accompany me to school,
helmi having to be partner with me and salihin for burdening him.

i have lost touch with so many people,
i dont know who are really sincerely my friends anymore.
but in a way, i should not be complaining about it as,
i should feel happy for them to live their lives without having me to bother them.

i thank god that school is only for another 6 weeks.
it would be a relief for people.

and to think that i actually believed when salihin said that i meant something to people.
pffft.

i know that it's not true.
thinking back on my accident,
the fact that i was thrown quite a distance,
i always wondered why is it that im just not dead.

do you know how it would help to solve everyone's problems?
not really everyone i guess but at least something.
my house can be paid off and my family can live somehow comfortably.
i will be really happy even though i end up in hell.

theres no way that i can even touch heaven.
do you know how laughable it is for me to be there?

i am not a good person and that is evident.
i accept that.
i have accepted a lot of things.
especially that nothing good can ever happen to me.

for those who actuali reads this post,
dont have to think i need help or feel 'pity' for me,
it is just something that i have accepted long, long ago.

its time for me to knock some sense in myself.
that i am here only for one thing,
which is to help others and NOT burden others.

astarghfirullah, i really feel bad for bothering people.

it is best if i am no longer here,
and dont worry.
this is something that i have accepted.

in a way.

2009-03-31T15:38:00.003+08:00

salam.

do you believe in second, third and fourth chances in life?
well.

in a way,
for those who had fallen,
we all wished that somehow we received that second or third chance,
just to know that somehow,
we did not just turned our backs on something so special.

in a way,
i have been thinking for the past week.
all those months of istikharah.
well...

we are only human.
we could not decipher whatever signs or dreams that we received from the Great.
somehow, i finally got a hard knock on my head this past week.

the words, opinions and advices given by those i trust,
turned out to spin themselves into a story,
that i added with a bit of heart and faith into it.

this story finally showed me what has been going on all this while.

in a way,
i cannot go on and question fate.
its time for me to swallow my pride and revisit my past.

i have yet to close that chapter of my life.

in a way,
we all know that everything happens for a reason.
He is All-knowing and All-encompassing.

from this moment on,
i am letting Him to guide me with my heart.
i was successful in letting Him guiding me to my soul,
maybe this time....

it will work, insyaallah.

we will see.
all i can say is that,
without you... i can never have my realisations.

i wish you all the best.
i know that you may be hoping for a second chance yourself.
good luck to us but except for me,
im hoping for that third chance.

i thank Allah for showing me the path.
its time for me to finally walk on it.
(=

jodoh; istikharah

2009-03-17T19:20:00.003+08:00

salam to all.

it has been as usual a long time since i've updated.
now is finally the march holidays and somehow,
i manage to have a breather.

it just seems weird and all that just a few months ago,
life was supposed to be on track for me,
but everything changed in a very short time.

whatever decisions that i have made,
it was not in vain neither was it without putting in much thought and faith.
i have been traumatised since the start of the year,
by my decisions and actions.

however, i know that the decisions are right for me and my path.

alhamdulillah...
january was the time that i managed to stabilise my connection with Him,
and also with the people that i care about.
it was also the time that i really asked for my 'jodoh', my soulmate.

i was of course scared that what if i made the wrong choice.
that he is my 'jodoh' and i let it go.
but alhamdulillah again,
i was being shown that i wasnt going crazy.

spiritually now, i am feeling much better.
but at the same time i knew that,
for me to go on with my journey,
i need my companion, my 'jodoh', my soulmate.

my path is clear,
all i need is him to walk along with me.

i have prayed istikharah more than ever before.
and...

i finally got my answer in february.
the month that i consider very special to me.

i have actually been denying it for the past year,
and for it to come back full circle,
makes me... think that it might have meant something.

i have been having dreams about him,
and visions while praying.
now, his name has been whispered to me.

i might be alone now,
but i know that there are two beings that is always with me.
one is Allah, my God Almighty and my friend.
the other, its his soul coming to accompany my soul.

and that is how,
i realised that there is such things as soulmates.
insyaallah.

(=

2009-01-19T02:24:00.004+08:00

salam all.

its finally 2009 and this is my first post.
seriously, now is a very bad time for me to blog.
since its nearly 2.30 am and i've still yet to finish my lesson plans,
andddd.... i have to be in class by 7 am!

man...
but yeah... i guess i have to.
or else i know it'll be another month or so,
till i blog.

to sum 2008 up,
well... it has been actually a good year.
though at the end of it was just downright bad.
but... it had to be done basically.

and now,
well... its a new thing for me.
to be without a companion i guess.

trying to get use to it.
an idea: to be active in volunteering and whatsoever i can find.
brain's not functioning now actuali but...
this is better compared to the lesson that i have to teach in 5 hours time.
-_-"

a day before,
i was functioning on only an hr sleep from friday,
and basically i went through fri and sat,
not sleeping for 40 hours altogether.

i just dont know what to say again.
just that i really really really need to get out of singapore.
i need a week away from this darn country and the freaking problems.

well... mine actuali.
but yeah.

i dont even know what am i teaching the students actuali.
i am so tempted to take mc.
suddenly im not feeling well.

yeahhh.
done some stupid things,
still feeling very stupid now,
and i guess thats somehow the main thing why im blogging now.

i am so in deep shit now.

2008-12-27T08:08:00.003+08:00

salam.

its 4 days away to the new year
and so far,
i have made choices that might changed my life,
hopefully for the better.

just came back from overnighting at east coast,
celebrating ana's advanced 21st birthday.
it was something since we have never done this kind of thing before.
and i was really glad to have met my secondary school frenz.

its like as if im back to where i started.

im meeting most of them back,
coming back to my life.

its been 5 years since i left tampines sec.
and... im at a point in my life where i realised that,
somehow im given a second chance to start all over again.
for every aspect of my life.

insyaallah.

i have thought through a lot of things this holiday,
especially these past few weeks.
until i wasnt able to sleep.

i have been losing a lot of sleep this few weeks.
and even how tired my body is,
my mind just wont shut up.

how i really wish that for once it could,
but somehow i know that i have to settle things before i can get a good night rest.

i hate leaving things hanging.
i have gone through a lot and,
i dont want to not solve any problems in the end.

basically i want to learn from experience.
truth is, i dont really know what else to say.
i thought i have found true love with someone,
it was so freaking clear that even my friends are amazed by it.

but, now im thinking back.
he has been somehow been avoiding me.
maybe i am being paranoid,
or maybe he's busy seeing someone.

i dont know.

all i know that i dont want the same mistake to repeat again.
i do feel stupid and at the same time i feel really scared.
i dont know what's going to happen.

im leaving it to Him,
insyaallah.

i think its high time that i go to sleep.

2008-12-16T16:11:00.003+08:00

salam.

well... im at mendaki now.
doing some data entry cause im bored at home.
=p

yeahhh.
anyway, just going to be a pretty short entry.
the thing is,
i had a very weird dream.

thats all.

cant stop thinking.
stop haunting me.
i need the truth.

please.

2008-12-11T14:10:00.003+08:00

salam all.

well.
its been a few weeks and...
i feel free.

really i do.
well... besides that i am pretty bored too.
=p

i think its time that i leave the past behind,
and get on with the future.
i can do better than that.
maybe that meeting could have been avoided but...
i guess everything has its reasons and purposes.

i dont feel anything anymore.
HAH!

but of course,
i wish all the best and...
hopefully life will be fair to you.

its time that i face it anyway.
i hope to have a new beginning and...
insyaallah,
everything would be ok.

actuali i dont know what to write also,
except that now i want to go and jog.
yeahhhh.

been quite awhile.
oh well.
i've ran out of

2008-12-01T02:30:00.005+08:00

salam.

well. it has been awhile as usual.
i just bought a laptop.
like finally!

still at mac actuali, making use of the wireless here.
ever since the holidays,
i've been getting insomnia i think.
not that sleepy,
so i guess that explains the reason why im still here at mac at 2 plus in the morning,
listening to hafeez blog's playlist.

my itunes have yet to be installed so...
listening to people's playlist now.
and... life has been,
clear in a sense but at the same time confusing.

i had some realisations this past few weeks,
and somehow i managed to get a crack at it.
some of them that is.

i admit that it's entirely my fault for what is happening now.
people have been telling me how stupid i've been to not realising it sooner.
somehow i think, there's a reason why all these events had happened,
for i would not have realised somethings and take some stuff for granted.

and now that im listening to force vomit's "Siti Dont Give Up",
im somehow transported to the time when i heard this song after i came home,
thinking that i wanna give up on things.
rasyid just broke up with me that moment and without realising it,
i did some things that i shouldnt have and...

yes.
i finally have the guts to type out his name after all these years.
i just want to leave the old pains behind.

the song gave me some motivation as not to give up.
as of now too. (=

i've met some wonderful guys this year whom i respected and admired.
though sometimes things dont work out as what we planned,
i understood that going through it and meeting them has somehow help me grow.
i've also reconciled with my past.

two of them actuali.
though one is still yet on the pending list and also equally wonderful,
the other.... well.
lets just say that he's someone that have been around ever since the beginning of my love escapades.

a friend of mine kept mentioning the same thing from years before and the same thing now,
and it might be too late that im realising now but,
i am going to keep asking from Him.

i understand that im taking a huge risk blogging about all of this but,
im prepared to take it.
im just tired of dodging the truth and trying to repress my own happiness,
just so that others can be happy.

its a new thing for me so,
im taking one small step at a time.
im trying to find at least a little of my happiness.
i still believe that other happiness is more important than mine.
i just need someone to understand.

im thankful that im meeting farhana again,
as this time, she has helped me to see things more clearly.
im not as lost as i was these past 2 years.
still lost but still can be improved.

alhamdulillah.
(=

these past 2 months,
i was in fear of losing a friendship that i didnt realised im holding so dearly till now.
and believe me,
this is a first for me and...
i've never felt more at loss.

i am not looking that much in the love section now,
though im trying to look for myself now.
and i need you there to help me.

i am even thinking of a whole career change.
for now, i am mostly living everyday as it is.
i am thankful for whatever i have now,
and insyaallah,
if i were meant to be with someone,
than i am.

only Allah knows best.
(=

post raya.

2008-11-14T20:31:00.004+08:00

salam all.

finally i visited my blog after sooo long.
its sooo nice to hear my playlist again.
(=

really feeds my empty soul now.
masyaallah.
(=

it has been 2 months since i blogged and...
there have been a lot of changes,
especially during syawal.

how weird it is that so much things can happen in just a short time.
anyway, i finally realised that well,
im going to accept whatever it is that Allah has planned me for,
or whatever bad stuff that happens to me.

im trying not to complain that much and,
follow logical orders.
i just want to stay put for awhile i guess,
without much problems.

so many things.
yeahhh.
though i do miss somethings,
but... i should appreciate what i have.

tomorrow will determine my future plans.
insyaallah, all goes well.
not feeling well now,
going to make it short.

holidays are here and...
im taking work off next week,
then i'll continue with prudential.

insyaallah.

2008-09-30T10:41:00.003+08:00

salam peepz!

its hari raya eve!
wheee???
haha.

k lahhh.
the best part of the day is that i only have to be in school for only 2 hours.
muahahahahaha!
sooo, cant wait till the clock turns 10.45am.
thing is, i came in late today.

didnt managed to participate for the concert.
woke up at 7.35 am just now.
man... was i panicked.
cant possibly take an mc since today's only half-day.

went back home kinda late yesterday,
reason: go in office at night, waited for client, went to client's place at woodlands and...
finally managed to eat at 1.30 am at simpang.
thank god.

basically i just break my fast in the office with a piece of bread,
and technically, my last meal was on sunday night at 7.30 pm,
so... i was without food for... at least 29 hrs.
no wonder i felt like collapsing. -_-"""

and just now while i was at the pantry with my colleague,
there was a scale machine,
and... i weigh myself.

took a double and triple take actuali.
maybe the machine is spoilt,
for what it said that i weigh 52 kg.

52 kg???!!!
my god...
the last time i was that was when i was hospitalised last year.
my usual weight is like 55 or 56 kg.
always constant.

where did the other kg goes to???
uhmmmmmm.
i smell pizza.... (my colleague at the next table is eating it)

darn....
oh well.
its the last day of ramadhan.
DARN!!!

i just hope that i can do better next ramadhan, insyaallah.
that is, if i will survive till then.
you might never know.

well...
its already 10.50 am.
better get a move on since i've yet to tidy up my home.

till next time,
back to work on thursday....

bahhhh humbug!
=p

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI!
(=

2008-09-29T13:07:00.003+08:00

salam.

i just finished 7 periods straight,
and here i am at my desk,
thinking 'Alhamdulillah!' since today none of the students are acting up,
esp him.

managed to teach the class maths for 3 periods,
and thank goodness they understand.
its like as if i was having an out of body experience,
cause i could hear someone teaching and managing the class at the same time.
=p

even the teacher said that i have improved.
like duhhh.
i dont even know how to do the first time mahhh.
hehe.

lesson plans still sucks though!

so, tonight's the last terawih.
just msged my manager that i wanna go home early today,
since every monday i HAVE to come in to office.
hopefully things will go okay later.
kinda nervous as to what he has to say to me.

im trying to get in the raya mood actuali.
so what happened was that on saturday,
i spent literally the whole day sleeping.
really!

after coming back home from qiyam sat morning,
i woke up at ten plus and by the time it was too late to go in office,
and i was still feeling very groggy.
talked for 2 hours with hafeez on the fon and...
i slept again...
till i woke up again at 6.45pm.

by then it was too late to go out for buka,
so i just had 3 kurmas and plain water.
i dont know how and why,
i slept again right after i done my maghrib.

and... i woke up again around 2am when my mom told me to sleep in my room since i kept falling asleep on the couch.
even when i was in the room, i was too tired to climb up to my bed.
instead i slept at my sis bed,
and when i was finally being ousted out by them,
it was already 5am.

thats when i was like,
cannot man... i wasted one whole day already.
did my subuh and read the quran,
something that i havent been doing much this ramadhan.

thought of cleaning the house a bit,
but i realised that i didnt have a cd with raya songs.
i actuali go and bought one cd and burned it.
by the time it was already 10 plus.

i had 2 appts to go,
and both are in the toa payoh and sembawang.
very far mannn.

imagine,
yesterday i was awake for...
21 hrs.

im now functioning on a 3 hour sleep.
-_-"""

now i have like lesson plans and markings to do.
man....
oh well.
im kinda hungry now.
=p

i think i ought to start with the things im supposed to do.
cant wait for tomorrow ending at 10.45am.
WHEEEE!!!

SELAMAT HARI RAYA ALL!!!
(=

now it makes sense.

2008-09-25T09:33:00.005+08:00

salam everyone.

went to school at 7.30am and best thing is,
theres no relief today!
hehe.

managed to take an hour nap.
cause my next class is after recess till the end of the day,
so i have 7 periods free!

and before i took a nap,
i did some interesting research.

currently, i was tasked to take care of two boys for english.
two absolute extremes.
one knows limited english and the other a spoilt ADHD boy.
initially it was ok but today is the 4th day since i took them,
and truthfully, im running out of ideas.

somehow.

had a very interesting conversation yesterday,
on our way to raffles for my latest craving with farhan.
as i was telling him about my day and stuff,
then he finally told me that he found out himself that he might have ADHD,
while he was a kid and a little now as an adult too.

i was surprised initially and fascination took over when,
he described to me how he cant stay still as a kid,
and stay rooted in the office as an adult.
how he got sick when he forces himself to do his work.

it got myself thinking you see,
how familiar his descriptions was to what i myself experience.
i was kinda skeptical at first and i ask him,

' Do adults have ADHD too? '

he said that it was possible,
and that he did some research on the net,
where they will tell you the tell-tale symptoms that you might have it.

so here i am,
doing that interesting research and,
now it all makes sense to me.

of why i am the way i am.
i just thought maybe it was cause of laziness or whatsoever,
even though i know that it wasnt.
its more of i couldnt control my body.

in some way.
why i kept feeling depressed,
why i have a short attention span,
why i start multiple projects at one go but unable to finish one.
why i always felt guilty cause i keep disappointing those around me but it just that i couldnt help it.

i dont know of how you guys might view it,
and i dont know if i really think that i might have it,
and maybe the quiz that i took might diagnosed me wrongly,
but at least it makes sense now.

and here i thought there was something wrong with my brain. -_-"""

though for adults they dont call it ADHD but ADD, without the H.
ADHD means 'Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder'
whereas ADD means 'Attention Deficit Disorder'
since the hyperactivity lessens when you grow as an adult.

What is ADHD?

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurological condition

related, in part, to the brain's chemistry and anatomy.

ADHD manifests itself as a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity/impulsivity that occurs more frequently and more severely than is typically observed in people at comparable levels of development.

These symptoms must occur for at least six months and have been present since before age 7.

ADHD begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood as well.

While some children outgrow ADHD, about 60% continue to have symptoms into adulthood.

Explanation from: http://www.adhd.com/educators/educator_adhd.jsp

the first time i heard of this disorder when i started working in a pri school last year.
and the only student that i come across is really hyperactive.
the teachers couldnt handle him but luckily medication helped him.

thats why i was surprised to know that adults can have it too.
i realised that many adults out there themselves might have it too.
you feel like as if why arent you like the normal pple out there,
i understand. truly.

try out this Quiz i got from psych central to help determine whether you have symptoms commonly associated with ADD.

it has been enlightening doing the research.
i might check out from a trained mental health professional.
hehe.

alhamdulillah. (=
i feel freer somehow.
knowing that theres a reason for my actions.

oh well.
got to go soon.
need to prepare for my boys for english.

wish me luck!

2008-09-18T22:30:00.003+08:00

salam.

i finally deleted my link at multiply.
im making this blog as obsolete as possible,
cause i know its very rarely read at the address itself.

yes.
im depressed now.
and who gives a damn.
cause, it justs makes other people lives more problematic.

im horrible and terrible.
with frenz, family, colleagues and clients.
basically, everyone.
serves me right, you see.

just think of all the happiness i could bring,
to everyone's lives,
just being gone.

who do i think i am anyway?
someone special?
HAH!

in my dreams.

im done here.
now if only my head doest hurt that much....

2008-09-17T01:33:00.004+08:00

salam ya all.

actuali now im just blogging for the sake of blogging.
had a good buka just now though.
hehe.

thanks ahhh feez and usop!
i ate until i cant eat anymore sehh.
and... its free???
cause we relunctantly walk away without paying,
me and feez that is with usop walking,
like as if he owns the shop.
-_-"""

we ate soo many dishes liaooo.
but alhamdulillah.
(=

overall it was a night well spent,
with some of the people that i care abt.
went to tm starbucks and just lepak,
as zarian also joined us.

gosh...
i lurveee the white choc mocha frap.
(=

in the end,
feez talked to usop while i talked with zarian.
discuss abt a lot of stuff since its been awhile since,
i talked to that mat. =p

and now,
im still stuffed.
hehe.

and also,
im addicted to the song by Kaer - Izinku Pergi.
its been a few years though but i still think the song,
rock my socks. =p

Song lyrics | Izinku Pergi lyrics

im trying not to think abt tomorrow you see.
i just hope that my seating arrangements are soughted out.
insyaallah.
and also...

i miss my colleagues at prudential.
='(
just msged qiwei and i felt better.
luckily i have jing yi at maris stella with me.
got some back up.

im kinda dreading facing my manager actuali.
cause i dont know whether can i meet his criteria.
been pretty tired everytime come home from school.
totally drained out.

my life now has been spiraling as usual,
but for today,
it looks well.

somehow, im looking forward to meeting the ittihadul peepz on fri.
insyaallah...
and also my nenek's surprise birthday buka on sat,
then maybe meet up with my old sec mates on sun.

ohhh please let it happen.
and please...
let me meet up more clients.
help me help people to save for their future.

PLEASE!!!

let me have this mood.
and oh ya.
my weekend at tanjung pinang.

well...
it was short-lived lahhh
but i came back with LOTS of stuff esp food.
for raya lahhh.

went there with 500K rupiah,
and i spent 600K rupiah.
the extra, i borrow liao.
haha.

macam adventure sehhh.
kena roadblock lahhh.
then kena fine. 400K liao!

i think i was sooo tired that i didnt spend that much time with the orphans.
2 days 1 night trip not that feasible to spend time with them.
but... i do miss them.
was sooo sweeett.

and andre as usual,
ask the same thing...
those who know, maybe you know.
=p

im trying to find a silver lining out there somewhere.
its nearly ending.
my favourite month,
but i know i've yet to start to appreciate it.

i wanna get out of this slum,
and... insyaallah i will.
i just need to keep on being motivated.

oh ya.
just a shout out to feez.
thanks for always being there ok...
i know i've been a very irritating friend to you,
but... somehow, thanks for being somehow patient with me.
and please ehhhh.

im not going out with you just cause of the car.
-_-"""

both you and zarian are up there on my fren list.
hehe.
korg2 aje lahhh jadi victims.
=p

i think that is all for tonight.
got to sleep for tomorrow.
going to be a looonngg day with contact time and,
going to office at night.

wish me luck!

2008-09-12T08:09:00.006+08:00

salam all.

well... today there wont be any lessons,
since its PSLE Listening Comprehension,
and only the P6s are here.

though, for the contract teachers,
we'll have quite a day today.
meet the vp, hod and etc.
should be done by 1pm.

things were kinda stressful for me yesterday.
until i reach to a point that i cried myself to oblivion.
so many emotions in just that one moment.

the thing was initially,
my dad passed the house key to my uncle and well...
it doesnt feel safe you see since the house is full of women.
none of my parents actuali talked to my uncle sooo,
when he popped in yesterday,
i was at home.

lets just say,
none of my family members are actuali that close to him.
i asked him for the key back.
and... i got a earful abt him being his flesh and blood,
an uncle lahhh and all that whatever.

what i told him was the basic.
i just want him to understand that there are women in the house,
and that whenever he popped in,
we might never know what we're doing in the house.

basically, i just want to feel safe in my own house.
uncle or no uncle.
he said that i shouldnt be the one to talk to him,
but my parents.

saying that let the old people talk to old people.
whatever.
i was basically kinda pissed off and dont agree with what he says.
he said that i as a niece shouldnt talked to him.
be patient.

waliao... he said about religion lahh...
this and that lahhh.
whereas my objective was to make him understand that this house is full of women.
thats all.

im not here to criticise my own uncle but,
to just let off steam basically and the problem that im facing.
cause truthfully, i would have just keep quiet too.
but for the safety of my sisters and mom,
i had to say something.

but i guess the one good thing that came out of that close to 45 min lecture,
is his advice for my father.
about being nice to him and maybe he could change for the better.
yeahhh.

it somehow took a toll on me in the end you see.
this isnt the kind of thing that i foresee myself to face,
but my parents.

i couldnt help it.
i told my mom that they have to face him instead of me next time.
dont just keep complaining but not doing anything about it.

by the time the lect ends,
it was already 6 plus and i was still at home,
with no food and no company.

initially i planned to buka with asrul to discuss abt his plans,
but he postponed it and...
i was left with no plans.

i love ramadhan you see,
though i can sense that this ramadhan's going to be a challenge for me.
but the one thing that i dont like,
when buka time.
thinking of where to eat, who to eat with and etc.

you see, i hate to buka alone.
i love company...
basically i hate to eat alone.
cause usually if im alone,
i dont have the appetite to eat.

i asked around my friends.
but i know that none could make it since they all have families,
work or some other stuff.
didnt want to bother them.

haiz... basically, lots of things arent going right this past few weeks.
like ramadhan rocks and silat dinner.
supposed to help out and attend but,
i didnt.

there was so much things to juggle.
and i hate it.
basically, im not happy.
some more with the fact that im teaching in this particular school.

im here for the income for my mom wants my help.
gosh...
im rambling again.
as usual.

just cant wait to get away for the weekend.
at least the kids there will appreciate me.
darn that its only 2 days 1 night.

wish someone was there though.
at least theres some kindness and a listening ear,
that can somehow understands me without me saying so many words.

yeah right.

and people... im not depressed.
just not happy, maybe?
hah.

i know, i know.
everyone is going through it too.
know what, stuff it.

im just tired.

2008-09-10T13:42:00.003+08:00

salam all.

guess what!
im currently at maris stella high school (primary).
yeahhhh.

you might be wondering what the heck i am doing here.
well....
i took up the contract teaching offer,
so basically thats why im here.

kinda bit awkward actuali since,
its a catholic, all chinese-boys school.
and im supposed to be teaching them english and maths.
-__-"""

insyaallah,
i'll prevail till next may.
somehow.

dont worry.
prudential still on.
i cant bear to leave it also.

i had to leave halfway cause had to go for contact time.
and here i am.
just out of maths dept meeting.
soooooo boring sehhhh.

haiz....
anyhow,
i cant wait to go home cause my stomach is rumbling like crazy.

wish me luck!

2008-08-31T23:19:00.003+08:00

salam ramadhan. (=

alhamdulillah.
the blessed month has arrived.
i can feel the night.
the air, the behaviour.

its different.
for ramadhan is pure,
and this is the time when i could feel the pureness of the universe.

its during this month that i know i could do something.
the month to purify myself in someway.
i just want this month to be different.
insyaallah kalo rezeki bertambah,

alhamdulillah. (=

i dont know how my life is going to be.
i feel really bad for not helping out with whatever im supposed to.
i just want to focus on this month.
on Him.

im just exhausted now.
tomorrow's ramadhan
and im going to do it right.
(=

2008-08-28T02:29:00.003+08:00

salam.

yes...
its in the middle of the early morning,
and the 3 people that i was supposedly to chat with,
already has so called left the building.

why am i still up when i actuali have be at work at 9.30?
well... theres so many things going around in my mind now.
the feeling.
it really suffocates me.

who am i?
truth is, i dont know it myself.
a case of mistaken identity?
maybe, maybe not.

i guess i would give anything just so,
that my heart and brain could be taken out of my body.

my objective in life has been simple,
to help others.
but not really myself.

yes i know...
as they say, you got to help yourself first before others.
but thats what THEY say.
i believe otherwise.

call me stubborn and maybe i am,
but thats what it is.
sometimes, i wish i have sooo muchh money to give everyone.
hehe.

that'll be cool though.
currently for me now,
if anything happens to me,
my family is covered.

alhamdulillah.
i just want them to live comfortably.
i guess im rambling now.

im just odd, weird and strange.

guys...
stay away from me if you know whats best for you.
haha.

just ask the guys that i used to date.
they should know.
its the best decision they made.
to stay away of course.

okkk.
now im really rambling.
like as if i would attract guys.
hahahahaha.

i have nothing special.
just a pretty average person.
and oh ya.

friends too.
i hope i somehow have done something to help.
and i really do apologise if you might regret knowing me.

i'll try to know less people ok.
well...
its almost 3 in the morning.

to whoever actuali bothers to read this stupid blog,
dont you actuali regret that you actuali did.

just me, signing out.

2008-08-18T00:32:00.003+08:00

salam all.

life's not turning out as planned.
i guess, it's the same for almost everyone.
yeahhh.

everyone will say that.
well, for once,
can i just say it too?

im easily irritable nowadays and,
very lethargic.
my teeth hurts and i realised that i had unknowingly,
been grinding my teeth.

and that means,
im pretty stressed out now.

i miss having my carefree life.
sometimes im left wondering whether,
can i still stood by my objective,
when my motivation is waning asap.

i just want to get under the tables and not come out.
or... maybe,
haiz... i dont know lahhh.

my head's throbbing like hell,
and my body's heating up.
im not feeling well.

physically, emotionally and spiritually.
and again,
i dont know who my real friends are.

i just dont know.
cause sometimes i just felt that i'm not worthy of their frenship nimore.
somehow.

im just rambling now cause somehow,
im feeling its all worthless.
my life that is.
haiz.

before i end,
well... is there such thing as a short life line?
i think thats all before i start to become really snipy.

Signing out.

alhamdulillah!

2008-07-11T14:29:00.004+08:00

salam 'alaika. (=

before i start blogging,
i would want to share with all,
Surah Al-Fatihah as absolute gratitude to Allah,
for his unexpected blessings.

Surah 1 - Al Fatiha THE OPENING

001.001 In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

001.002 Praise be to God, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds;

001.003 Most Gracious, Most Merciful;

001.004 Master of the Day of Judgment.

001.005 Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.

001.006 Show us the straight way,

001.007 The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray.

From: The Holy Quran - English Translation- Islam: The Eternal Path of Jannah

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.
it really is the blessed month of Allah SWT.
never have i feel so blessed.
(=

the whole day i have been saying the absolutely pure kalimah of His,
"Alhamdulillah. (="

insyaallah,
if all turns out right,
then alhamdulillah again.

today is my last day at east coast primary school as a ccpe.
and what im going to be next,
depends on the 2 blessings that i received from Allah.
insyaallah.

so now, i still have yet to finish my work.
and... later on,
im planning to buy the kids pizza.

im going to miss them all.

all i can do is tawakkal to Him,
for He knows what is best for His servants.
(=

Miss Siti feeling somehow at the moon signing out. (=

2008-07-09T09:23:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika to whoever visiting this blog.

have you ever felt like as if,
one moment you are pretty sure of what you want out of life,
and the next,
you feel like as if you are spinning out of control,
wondering what is happening.

well... it somehow happens to me.

i thought i found something special.
but it somehow bounced back off me.
that connection that i thought i felt,
might be a dream that i have been wanting to dream all this years.

i just feel like a failure.
i understand that everyone will feel this way at one point of their life,
but... yeahh.

i hate to disappoint people.
and i think i keep doing it.
its like as if you know what you doing is wrong
but you cant really control your actions.

total out of body experience.

i dont even know who i am anymore.
a friend told me,
sometimes i can be like an uztazah and the next,
something totally opposite of it.

black and white.
no grey area.
but limits i do have.

i sometimes wish i could be normal.
typical and maybe for once,
not rebelling.

i remembered i did become that,
and it killed my spirit.
and now im just awaiting to get out of it.

i plan to start anew or,
have a break from all of this for awhile.
but can i afford it?

i have become someone that i wasnt a few years ago.
instead, i have become the person that i was thinking of becoming,
as to achieve a particularly weird goal of mine.
which is to slowly 'severe' ties with the people i know,
and being like the wind...

helping people as i passed,
and leaving them when they are happy.

yeahhh..
i only have one purpose in my life,
to help people.
but sometimes, i dont think im doing such a good job of it.

kindness.
i think thats my biggest weakness.
it may sound really stupid but,
the truth is,
when someone said something even as mundane as a 'thank you' to me,
my heart melts and tears starts to fill in my eyes.

and the most gratitude that i felt was when i was in tanjung pinang.
just those words and the sincerity that i saw,
managed to make me feel that i am really worth it in this world.
that kindness that i never ever would think i am worthy of.
thank you. (=

i guess truth is,
i never let kindness gets to me.
its a must for me to be kind to others,
but i never ever expect others to be kind to me.

for i fear it.

to end this post,
i would just like to share this phrase from
the song "Munajat Cinta" by The Rock.

" tuhan kirimkanlah aku, kekasih yang baik hati, yang mencintai aku, apa adanya. "

Miss Siti hoping for a miracle signing off.

2008-07-03T17:08:00.002+08:00

salam 'alaika everyone. (=

just had my job interview at mendaki.

for hannah's position.

but... the job's kinda...

entaaahhh.

anyhow, im still here at bedok west.

yana wanted me to be back at east coast on monday,

but to no avail,

alan didnt let.

saying i have to teach the new ccpe.

like WTH.

im just here for relief and its not logical if i were to be here,

and 'teach' something that i have no idea what to do.

i rather be at east coast with yana.

though, i made frenz here at bedok west.

faizah and siti.

the IT trainer and librarian.

going to miss them actuali but...

i miss the students at east coast.

next week.

my last week as a ccpe.

after that week,

im not sure whats going to happen.

but i hope for the best,

insyaallah. (=

i just read a post regarding laila and majnun.

its very interesting.

and... thought-provoking?

though i think majnun terlalu over liao.

haha.

but nonetheless,

it satisfy the romantic in me.

well...

i gotta go anyhow.

will continue soon about the theory that i came up about love.

insyaallah.

Miss Siti wanting to.... entahhh signing out.

2008-07-02T17:18:00.002+08:00

salam 'alaika everyone. (=

believe it or not,

im now at bedok west primary.

it was a very very last min decision for me to be posted here until monday,

which is when the new ccpe would come in.

i was darn pissed off in the beginning as,

they just told me yesterday and...

i want to spend my time at east coast primary since next week will be my last.

haiz...

i was actually feeling very down yesterday.

but thank god, rudi came down and i felt better.

alhamdulillah. (=

the truth is right now,

im very confused, scared and...

well, quite a lot of mixed emotions.

im at the crossroad of everything in my life for now.

i guess i've already made the decision to quit my job as a ccpe.

after a year plus in this career,

it thought me a lot of things but it also,

really repressed myself.

im ready to leave my comfort zone.

and its time for me to explore other opportunities out there.

will blog again soon.

have to go off already.

Miss Siti feeling hunggrrryyyy signing out.

2008-06-24T17:28:00.001+08:00

salam 'alaika.

i think i miss my carefree life.
friends.
spontaneous trips.

on the go stuff.

what am i to do now?

well...
have to go for appt now.
haiz.

2008-06-19T11:13:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika. (=

back from a week at Panti Asuhan Bina Insani.
miss them all.
withdrawal symptoms.

pretty bad...
not much to say for now.

just a line.
" ayat-ayat cinta bercerita cintaku padamu "

Miss Siti feeling... signing out.

2008-06-03T13:59:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika everyone. (=

its been a very long while since i blogged.
lots has happened.

and now,
i possibly will be out of job.
i think i already am.

i know that i have been wanting to get out of this job,
but... now, the reality of it,
kinda scares the wits out of me.

truthfully, im glad that im out of here.
but the other thing,
im very worried about my family.
for i wont have a stable income anymore.

im just sad.
didnt know that i could be but yeah,
i am.

i am really going to miss the students.
some of the people who were actuali nice to me.
im tired...
just really tired.

the only thing that i can fall back on is my financial advisor.
but that also im not stable yet.

nothing much to say now.
just leave it up to Him.
insyaallah.

im just tired.

2008-05-14T16:08:00.005+08:00

salam 'alaika. (=

tired. exhausted.
thats what im feeling now.
totally auto-pilot mode.

squeezing in time,
stealing some time for enjoyment.
and planning for the future.

it has been almost 2 weeks since i had a rest day.
3 weeks of working almost 24/7.
prevail.

but...
this is life.
i have to accept it.

for, i just need to survive it.
got things to update but,
i have to go home soon cause...
need to go to the office.

and then,
pick my mom up to watch ayat2 cinta with my family.
belated mothers' day celebration. (=

pray for me strength,
and may Allah bless all of you.

Miss Siti feeling very tired and sometimes like want to cry signing out.

2008-04-28T15:56:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika.

basically today has not been productive for me in doing work,
but at least i went out for lunch (finally!) with rudi.
and... after that it was spent on talking with the students.

there was a very worrying trend that happened in east coast,
besides the 'shuffle' and 'jumpstart',
this was much more worrying as this involves the spiritual self.
and that for me is very important.

i guess it has been a problem for neighbourhood schools,
esp the ones that have a lot of malays and come from low-income families,
like my primary school.

kuda kepang.
something that has actuali been enticing these young students ever since,
as long as i can remember.
though i didnt realised that it would be a problem these days.

i found some of my students doing this last friday,
and even though i had given them my sternest warning,
i prepared myself by researching more abt this kuda kepang on the net,
and also spriritually myself.

just in case.

alhamdulillah, some of the students do listen to my advice,
though some are pretty stubborn abt it as they feel its fun.
thus, i spent almost 2 hours trying to educate these students.
and to find out that most of them dont really know whats the meaning behind kuda kepang.
and what 'syirik' really means and all.

quite worrying and also sad,
since some of them are actuali brought up in these environment.
something like the blind following the blind.

i may not be very versed in all these matters,
but my niat is sincere,
which is to help these students to choose the right thing,
be on the right path.

and share with them my own experiences.
for they are just under 13.
still very innocent and young.

i hope that some sense comes in their head.
but whatever it is,
i will still keep a close lookout for any kind of activity,
since i know that the younger students will definitely follow too.

right now,
im just so tired and feel like taking a nice nap.
my last week was spent on working.
every single day.

actuali i got nothing much to say except that,
i really want to sleep.

so, next time i guess.

Miss Siti feeling sleepy signing out.

2008-04-25T13:56:00.005+08:00

salam all. (=

dont worry.
im not depressed nor anything,
but wani...
thanks babe for noticing though.

hopefully this weekend we get to meet up,
insyaallah. (=

now i got nothing much to say,
except that i have a massive migraine,
and very soon i got to go down and bring some of the rugby boys to st andrews for rugby trial.
oh well...

i visited my multiply after looking at some photos that salman posted on his.
and... i looked through my videos.
the ones that i kept private to myself and stumbled upon the past.

it has been 3 years but...
the video still leaves an impact to me.
still cant believe that it actuali happened.
even though it was 3 months.

lots happened during that very short period of time.

the thing is,
i have to move on.
and i guess i have but somehow,
the lingering feeling is there,
for it was my first.

i supposed.

something unattainable.
humans.
thats how we are.

always looking towards something that we cant get.
this is basically just some ramblings of mine.

but sometimes,
i do wonder.
somehow.

those who have known me long enough during the poly years would know.
what exactly happened.

for now,
its already time for me to go.
hopefully i'll get better and...
insyaallah rezeki bertambah.

amin.

and oh ya.
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY, FIZAH!!! (=

Miss Siti feeling kinda weird out, hungry and sleepy signing out.

2008-04-21T00:49:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika to those who visit. (=

with respect to the previous entry,
well... i really have no comment about it except that,
this is a test from Him and im trying my best to accept it.
thats life.

alhamdulillah,
while i was really down in the pits,
with uncontrollable tears rolling on my cheeks,
and the feeling of utter loneliness with only Him listening to me,
zarian suddenly called me.

and that was when the waterworks suddenly began.
it was so good to have someone to talk to.
even though if that person is like countries away now.
haiz.

and after that hafeez called too.
im so grateful for them calling me,
and so far they are the only ones that actuali do care to listen.

and to pen, i really do appreciate that he was the only one who actuali stayed to his word and followed me to johor together with his cousin. (=

now whitey is fine,
except for some scratches which i have to come again,
to replace the piston. -_-"

actuali yesterday after work,
i met up with an american professor and indon silat guru.
it was real interesting and i learnt something from them.
turns out that the indon guy was from padang and cik dzul too is of minang descent.

he was telling me of how he sent some of his students there to train 24/7.
i was actuali really interested in that.
they were actuali telling us about the importance of the traditional and religious aspect of silat.
and i agreed to what they had said.
it was a fruitful experience.

insyaallah i will be able to make it for a performance there this july. (=
and maybe can meet up with my family there too.

initially i had 2 appointments to go to today but,
i fell sick again.
vomitted for half an hour and all is water.
so had to postpone both appointments.

and i just ate porridge for today.

food has not become of importance to me anymore.
time is and going to work to get some results.
cause, i need to.
survive and prevail.

before i wrapped up this entry,
something that suddenly cropped to my mind.

'Last Days'

* feeling so happy to see my family at home,
my mom cooking my favourite dish,
my sisters so innocent like they use to be while they were younger.
my dad praying in the hall, the earliest memory that i had when i was very young.

time for dinner!
eating at our small yet humble round table.

time for solat!
my dad 'imam-ing' the family. (something that i've never seen before but hey, this is my dream)

watching tv together.
laughing and enjoying time as one.

then, time stood still.
the world suddenly seemed so dark.
voices heard calling out for me,
i wanted to call out saying that im still here but my lips didnt want to move
and i finally surrendered to the darkness.

i saw light and then,
so many people around me.
where was i? and i realised i was in hospital.
my lips were dry and i felt like as if i was hit by a truck.

so many... all my friends, my family.
my loved ones.
and why were they all crying?

then i saw someone coming towards me.
such a nice looking man and suddenly i felt free.
a feeling that overtook my whole heart and soul.

and then i realised what was happening.
but before i finally surrendered myself to the pain of seperation.
i smiled, seeing all of my loved ones in one place.
finally.

Miss Siti feeling sleepy and tired signing out.

2008-04-19T21:27:00.004+08:00

salam 'alaika.

as of now,
i am really very sad and disappointed.
i really feel like crying.

as usual,
when i really need a friend,
none could help.

enough said.

and also,
just forget abt whatsoever.
its official.

im alone now.
only work has been my only company.
and thats, really sad.

so, who cares?

Miss Siti feeling very down and dont know who really her friends are signing out.

2008-04-19T00:26:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika once again!

my nose is stuck again,
not literally of course but just that im having problem breathing through my left nostril. -_-"
oh well... i guess i cant be fully recovered.

my mummy already say " macam mane tak leh recover, selalu active aje..."
oh well... ape nak buat, inilah akibat org nak cari rezeki. =p
hehe.

today didnt really went well cause,
both my managers came in since my vp asked them to come down to discuss abt my 'timing'.
darnation! i just dont know what to say anymore.
im tired and i know that its my fault.

FINE! I'LL TRY TO COME EARLY!

haiz... 2 more months.
thats all... i gotta prevail but,
im going to miss my students.
shahiran, atiyah, hafiz khamzah, shazulfiza and so on...

im really really really going to miss watching them grow.

went to NEWater plant with the 6SF and 6SG.
it was ok lahhh... interesting but kinda boring.
supposedly mrs krishnan wanted me to go to science centre with the science club but i was already booked first for the NEWater plant outing. -_-""'

basically these past few days,
i havent been eating properly and that my proper meal was on wednesday when my mummy cooked at home since... 4 or 5 months. =p
missed her cooking liao.
some more my favourite dish! kentang belado!!! =D

i've been too busy cause in the morning i go to work at school,
then go to office at tanjung pagar after 1st work,
then now at night usually got appointments or for now ppi sessions painting pebbles.

so yeahh...
been living on small bites.
and its been a very long time since i go out to lepak,
cause nobody go and ask me out also.
plus everytime i get back home,
i'll be out cold. =p

thing is, i felt like crying also.
cause... im beginning to feel...
something?

and the thing is again,
i have a feeling that it'll just fall flat on my face.
maybe im dreaming, yeahhh.... i should be.

im trying my best not to feel anything cause,
so far it has been good you see.
and now, im pushing away whatever nonsense it is that im feeling.
another way-out-of-my-league criteria?

its like primary and secondary school all over again...

well... its just nonsensical.
all i want now is to focus on my family and career.
thats all.

please Allah.
i didnt ask for another distraction nor mistake.
dont let me go through it again.
haiz...

i think im feeling pretty sleepy already and... hungry.
but its ok. hunger has never been a problem for me.
its good that im saving money too. (=

but before i sleep,
i wanna watch ayat-ayat cinta again.
maybe to get the motivation again,
that very simple courtship into marriage.

insyaallah.
gotta get back to the office tomorrow morning.
haiz...

Miss Siti feeling sick?, sleepy and wants to give up signing out!

2008-04-14T00:55:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika once again!

well... i went to the doctir again on friday.
haha. thought that i could be well,
but i guess not.
vomitted out whatever i ate actuali.

i woke up feeling pretty sick.
and remembered that i had to bring 30 kids to tao nan school for some pen-pal exchange thingy.
asked the teacher whether are they worried that im going to pass the virus to the students and,
she said its ok cause they were short-handed. -_-"""

well... i rushed all the way to school in the rain,
while trying my best to focus on walking straight.
when i finally reached, luckily the bus were not there yet.
as a precaution i took some wad of tissues to cover my mouth when i sneeze and cough.

it was interestingly weird on how tao nan celebrated international friendship day,
which was they had this olympic theme in their school hall.
me and mdm rozi was kinda left out by the teachers there?
cause we wasnt even given any chairs to sit nor what we supposed to do? -_-"

it was nice actuali talking with mdm rozi.
discussing about some things and such. (=

we finally got back around 11 and...
my head was spinning like as if the world was spinning just a tad too fast on its axis. -_-"
i was hungry so... since there was like free lunch for the teachers,
i just couldnt resist. =p

and thats when....
i vomitted!
haha... it was beriyani and... the normal 'orang kahwin lauk'.

my mummy fetched me from work and we went to the bedok polyclinic.
hehe... since the 3 people that i can depend on are overseas,
i had to depend on my mummy but its ok.

its been a loooooonnnnggg while since i had my mummy with me in the doctor office. (=
love my mummy!

the doctor kinda scolded me,
cause she found out that i didnt had enough rest?
that i ate oily food since i got gastric?
and... again, not enough rest? =p

my mummy like go and complain to the doctor about me not having enough rest.
aiyoyoyoh. oh well....
at least now i feel much better.
hehe.

but too bad i had to go back to work on saturday even though i wasnt fully recovered yet.
it was like almost a week since i rode whitey and when i did,
i felt like as if i was swaying right and left. -_-"

but i prevailed!
i have too liaooo... or else later my manager going to nag. =p

was late going for PPI meeting and was soooo the hungry.
and i kena the scandal thingy again.
hahaha... esp someone's idea to put,

" fuzzy wuzzy.... blah blah blah" =p
im going to get you salman.
that was soooo not fair.

went out with fit after that and,
it was soooo cool.
finally another sp chick to go riding with!
and i sooo need to service whitey.

and today, had to go back to the office to hand in cik ana's proposal.
had dinner with sarah. (=
was nice seeing her ahhh.
and... solating at ghufran feels like going back home. (=

even though al-ansar is and always will be the first masjid that resides in my heart,
its darul ghufran that resides in my soul,
cause thats where i first had my qiyam and my lovely NI peepz since we always used to have our events there. (=

while talking with sarah just now,
i realised that i dont have anyone in my heart now.
not to sound crude or anything but i guess i have just been pretty busy with work, trying to get well and hoping to provide more for my family.

all i have now is Him.
just Him. trying to get more of His love.
im building myself up. spiritually.
but all i hope to have is support.

from my loved ones hopefully.
insyaallah.

i dont look for relationships anymore but,
im going to be tawakkal to Him.
im living life as it is for now.

well... its back to work for me tomorrow.
got to be at work at 7.30 and my medicine's kicking in already.
may you all have a blessed day!
insyaallah.

ps. please do tag to those who bother to read my blog. hehe.

Miss Siti feeling tired and worn out signing out.

2008-04-09T21:59:00.003+08:00

salam 'alaika everyone.

this is pretty rare for me to use my desktop at home.
usually i always log on with the school laptop,
but i got to be at home since the doctor gave me 2 days mc.
turns out that i got the flu.

finally. im sick.
i think getting sick is way overdue already.
i have worked my ass off this past few months,
and i didnt get sick fully.

though even now that im sick,
im not getting any rest.
i guess im not used to it.
someone please sedate me so that i can sleep and rest. -_-"

yesterday i just had my 'first' client which was my cik ana.
it was just a cpf investment but i was excited. (=
insyaallah i can help more people in growing their money for the future and,
protect their loved ones plus themselves.

yes, now im officially in prudential.
insyaallah with this extra income,
im able to support my family better. (=

its been a long time since i lepak,
or actuali go simpang,
or riding with my frenz.

last time we used to meet up almost everyday,
but now its like so long already.
haizzz.

i miss hafeez and zarian liao.
why they have to go to taiwan???
for one month lakk tuuu. -_-"""
so i guess i just have to wait until may.

now no friends.
uhmmm... who wants to go out with me? =p

hmmmm.
i was reading through my previous post and...
the funny thing is,
i mentioned that i feel like im loving someone and,
finding that person.

well... well... well...
im not so sure myself actuali.

a person that i met.
perfect.
too perfect.

not a good thing.
i think.

for now, i just have to concentrate on my jobs
and hanging out with my two favourite students,
atiyah and shahiran. (=

going to eat the spaghetti that my mom and sis is making.
darn. i have a craving for simpang's aglio olio. =(

Miss Siti feeling sick and want to vomit now signing out.

2008-04-08T16:08:00.003+08:00

salam all... (=

alhamdulillah, syf malay dance is over,
and east coast had a good review by both som said's son and daughter-in-law.
and finally im back to work.

though however,
not feeling that well.
my throat's a bit swollen plus i can still taste the blood.
and my whole body is aching.
haiz...

but its ok,
like i always tell myself,
all this are normal to me. (=

zarian and hafeez are already in taiwan,
and both will get back in may.
two of my dear frenz who has been by my side these few weeks,
and of course im going to miss them.
cant wait for them to get back...

last weekend, i attend the PPI team-building camp at mendaki,
and i enjoyed myself being in sports & culture sub-comm,
helping to organise the programme.
im really glad to be with the peepz in the comm.

kak jams, siti and the torturer, izzat!
still cant believe he actuali threw water at his own team mate! -_-"""
ish ish ish...
dah best2 escape from the others and then kena by my own group mate.

seperti pagar makan padi liao. =p

anyhow, im actuali in the middle of watching this really sweet indonesian movie,
called ayat-ayat cinta...
i heard about it when mardhiah and hawanis was discussing it during taufik's bbq pit last fri.
at first i was kinda.... huh? indon movie? =p

now, i know why they are like so excited abt it.
i think im going to find the book and buy it.
insyaallah.

heres the link... Ayat-ayat Cinta
insyaallah, you'll also feel the same way as i did. (=

watching the movie actuali made me to think more abt my life, my character and also my role as a muslimah.
im humbled and am actuali taking a step back to look at myself.
at where i am now and who i am.

in a way, alhamdulillah,
i've start my journey in finding my jodoh in the right way.
hopefully insyaallah.

i would like to have that kind of absolutely simple and sweet courtship,
without having to be in a relationship but,
to leave jodoh in His hands and tawakkal about it.

i hope im not too late in changing myself for the better.
though depending on my health nowadays,
wallahualam.

im very scared to go for tests or scans.
cause i might not know what is it in store for me.

while i was praying late last night,
i suddenly remembered the face and giggle of my youngest sis.
how innocent she was, how manja she was and now,
she's turning to be very rude.

the good thing abt yesterday is that,
i actuali managed to hold in my anger,
and talk to her in a nice and even tone,
though she was shouting at me.

usually i'll strike back with the same kind of venom that she threw at me,
as thats how it works in my family as long as i can remember.
but alhamdulillah, i didnt.

and... i didnt realised i was crying while i was reciting the surah,
my vision started to blur.
the innocence of my sisters.
the simplicity yet ignorance of my family to Him.

if i were to go soon,
who'll be the one protecting the family and,
filling our home with His beautiful verses?

i prayed that one of them would actuali start praying,
and that my parents would start to advise my sisters before its too late.
all i want is for them to have a good life,
not forgetting Allah.

i will be strong as long as i can,
until the day when i think that i should go for testing.
and by then, i hope to achieve in providing my family stability and protecting them.

" Rabbana laghafurrun syakur"
Verily Allah is the greatest Pardoner and Appreciator

to all my friends and those who i love,
please do pardon me for all the mistakes i have done unto you,
forgive me if i am unable to fulfill your wishes and expectations.
for i am just a simple servant of Allah, lord of all lands.

Miss Siti feeling sick and tired signing out.

2008-04-03T15:09:00.005+08:00

salam all.

wahhhh!
this week like really... ARGHHH!!!
i feel like screaming my head off sia.

non-stop lecturing session for 3 straight days,
from 3 'authorative' figure.
aiyaahhh!

tuesday and wed was from my manager,
and like really2 i understand what he was trying to say liao.
i know that he wants me to succeed in the business and all,
but... im truly exhausted and...
i feel like crying cause i know that even though there should be no excuses,
i am trying my best.

i really do appreciate what he has told me and all,
but im not some immature child.
haiz... i understand that he wants me to change for the better,
and yes, i have a very bad habit of coming late and waking up in the morning.

I KNOW!
so... please just dont pressurise me.
im trying.
sometimes my body just dont want to respond,
or i have something on or i just want to rest.

please lahhh.
i have 2 jobs liao.
i know im crazy and all but,
i really do want to help my family,
who doesnt.

i really cant go on like this for long,
working under pple.
im feeling very closed up and idle.

and some more,
i just had a lecture from my vp.
i knew it was coming cause i havent been coming every morning at 7.30
and i seriously have a problem with that larrr.

and then of all days i have to go in contact time,
today my p lectured all the teachers for almost an hr for not doing well,
yada yada yada and of course lah i have to hear even though im not a teacher. -_-"

i really cant wait to get out of this job.
like really.
no more admin work for the nitty gritty stuff for me.

NO DAMN MINUTES of a group that im not even a part of.

i understand that they all have their good intentions but,
i dont think i can do it like this anymore.
in order for me to succeed,
i cant be boxed in to change.

i know i have to and i will.
if not i'll get rebellious and...
well, that'll be my problem i guess. -_-"

i just cant wait for the letter from nus.
whether will i be accepted or not,
i do hope that the testimonial from dr faishal will help me get a place.
insyaallah.

haiz...
for the past few days,
everytime i come back home,
confirm i'll fall asleep without me realising it.

with all my hectic schedule and all,
i have been wearing my contacts everyday cause,
i need to ride my bike to go from one place to another.
what happen is that,
my eyes are getting red and swollen.

one day i had a thought after having a very blurry time after taking off my contacts,
that if i were to be blind,
theres one thing that i'll regret not seeing.

the arabic verses in the quran.
reading it.
im not saying this just because its like the really correct thing to say or to boast that im alim or something.

please lahhh. thats the last thought on my mind.
this is what i sincerely will regret.
thus why i've been telling my dad that i wanted him to do my specs.
still waiting though. -_-"

and oh ya,
i just attend a 'melawat' on monday.
nenek yot (my cousin's great-grandmother) passed away and,
the reason i attend cause she was really a nice lady.

luckily hafeez managed to help me, my mom, grandma and cousin to get to the place asap and easier for my grandma to move around. (=
im really thankful to him cause without him around,
we wouldnt had the chance to get there and i wont have the chance to visit my uncle and both my grandpas' graves along with my mom.

i think it was my first time for me to see a corpse face to face.
initially i thought that i would feel awkward but,
i realised that i wasnt.

seeing her lying in the middle of the room,
with her family and friends around,
i of course felt the sadness.

watching her loved ones,
kissing her forhead for the very last time.
i was lucky to have the chance to kiss the forehead of a very nice person,
whom i believe Allah has taken care of her for the other side. (=

i had the chance to see the burial.
and automatically, i was reminded of the time when my uncle was buried almost 14 years ago.
to tell you the truth,
even though it has happened a long time ago,
but i can still remember every single detail that had happened that fateful friday.

i was only 7 but, my world was turned upside down.
and on that day forth,
i vowed and made a pact that the next family member to go will be me and no one else.
it might sound silly but i hold on to it.

out of the 4 graves that i visited,
it was on his grave that i asked my mom, cousin and hafeez to move on first,
and to leave me alone.

his death made a very big impact on my life.
tears was shed and before i go,
i kissed the headstone,
telling him that i love him and... looking at my grandma who was in the car,
i made a vow again that im going to take over his place.

taking care of my grandma and kak rosnah.
to protect the family.
i will.
insyaallah.

for now,
all i asked for is faith and support,
to those who can.

i might appear strong but,
even strong people have their weak moments.

i just want to take this opportunity to ask for forgiveness to anyone who i might have done something wrong to or whatsoever.
may Allah bless all of you.

Miss Siti meaning every word she says signing out.

2008-03-30T18:02:00.003+08:00

salam again!

well..................
almost the end of march already,
its a sunday evening and im...
at home?

haha!
wahhhhhh.
its been sooo long lahhh since i stayed at home more than 6 hrs?
cause i dont even sleep longer than that? =p

why today is different?
cause my exhaustion finally caught up on me,
esp since i have to wake up early in the morning for work when i just slept for only 4 hrs.

feels kinda weird actuali but at least it gives me the opportunity to blog.
haha...
as i mentioned,
exhaustion.

like really,
i totally am until the truth is,
i dont really know what im doing.

not the first time for me to go on autopilot actuali.
so, i guess its normal.
and pple sometimes dont understand?

i really appreciate the concern but...
i know what im doing?
my objective is pretty simple,
to help my family.

haiz...
ok lahhhh.
enough abt the exhausted thingy.

i actuali wanted to blog abt something,
but... i forgot.
hahaha.

well...
i guess i just stop here cause later on have to wash whitey and red queen with zarian!
yeahhhh!!!

finally.
kesian whiteyku.

Miss Siti feeling tired and sleepy and hungry? signing out!

tiring week!

2008-03-20T20:17:00.006+08:00

salam everyone!

once again,
late update. =p
the main thing is now,

IM EXHAUSTED!
MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY!

haiz.
this week has really been very taunting for me.
with me going through 2 courses in one go,
and...
going to and fro office and workplace.

aiyahhh.
this what happens when you have 2 jobs larr.
but...

I WILL PREVAIL!
insyaallah. (=

yesterday was flying start for prudential,
and i didnt go cause i had to go back to work at east coast,
accompanying 4ML to singapore river.
the darndest thing is that....

I MISSED HADY MIRZA AGAIN!
shit!

found out that he was the guest star at flying start and...
some of my colleagues managed to get his autograph plus get up close and personal with him.
haiz...

this is the second time i missed him.
the first time was when there was the Youth Olympic Bid thingy at the Padang.
haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

the thing is,
i dont know when did my so-called attraction for hady mirza started.
it just did.
like...
magic???

i mean, i dont really care about him sia last time.
this soo what happened when i was in sec school reg zaheed.
aiyaaahhh.
weird liaooo.

i dont even like spore artistes, no offence.
just not interested. =p
i dont believe in idolising some artiste or anyone for that matter.
except for the perfect man, Nabi Muhammad SAW.

yeahh.
soo, guess how infuriating is it for me when i suddenly have this... this...
attraction for him.
haizzzz.

i know people would say thats normal but believe me,
it aint normal for me.
im just waiting for it to pass i guess.

theres someone that i met.
someone who is like the past.
i dont know whats happening to me.
crazy i guess.

i just hope well,
things work out on its own.
i dont want to make the same mistakes again.

oh please Allah.

i just want to provide for my family now,
and survive.
finance has been pretty tight for me this month.
but...

its ok.
for me,
at least im losing weight, saving money and...
alamak!

i forgot to fast.
ishhhhhh.
maybe i should do it next week,
so at least no need to eat lunch.
hehe.

i just eat one meal a day liao.
hmmmmm.
im already tired now ahhh.

but later have to study.
for HI, wasit/jury course test and...
AIMS Product Course.

aiyahhh.
i took leave again but half-day this time,
after taking like...
4 days leave? -_-"

lotsa work to do.
not much 'me' time. =p
my SAS coming back fast.

so far, life has been ok.
maybe except that,
im totally exhausted from courses.

oh ya.
im going to tanjung pinang this june.
on an expedition with 14 other people from mendaki.
hehe.

cant wait!
another expedition!
wheeee!

oklahh.
i think this is all.
im getting pretttyyy tiredddd.
want to take out my contacts liao!

Miss Siti feeling tired, tired and did i mentioned, tired? signing out.

2008-03-07T11:04:00.003+08:00

salam everyone. (=

i guess i have to start blogging sooner or later,
cause it has been...
a few weeks??? =p
and believe me,
so many things has happened.

thats my life.
as usual.

i just finished going around asking for consent forms from the students.
well... im actuali somehow managing a futsal team for the p6 boys,
cause theres this adidas+challenge futsal tournament.
and i brought in some of my frenz to help out.

i guess yesterday was the last training before the match next tue.
it was cool cause first time we played at the school hall.
i can see that a lot of the boys wanted to play soccer.

darn, i think im going to have one of my SAS moments.
(Short Attention Span, for those who know nuts about what im saying.)

theres a lot that i wanna write actuali but,
i dont know how to really lay it down here in my blog.
well...
one thing is that i finally managed to pass M9 last wednesday.

the sucky thing is that,
i was unable to go for the product course this week cause i cant get leave.
so it had to be postponed. -_-"

i think im getting blackmarked at work.
oh well!
i cant wait to get out of here in june.
insyaallah.

going to write my resignation letter.
somehow.
i'll miss the students.
thats for sure.

it was a learning experience getting to know them, counsel and just being with them.
its much more better than being with my colleagues.
quite sad cause i've been here for almost 10 months.
and usually i dont have this much trouble finding someone that i can befriend with.

but i guess,
theres this line between whether you are the teacher's helper or the teacher itself.
i feel like a 2nd class citizen actuali.
this job doesnt suits me at all.

it has its perks ahh like i can sleep and pray.
but it has made me very idle.
and i hate being that.

i gotta get out of here.
pronto.
what i want is to teach the students.
watch them grow.
share with them what i myself have been through in life.

but for now,
all im actuali looking forward to is making lots of money being a financial advisor?
so that i can help my family and those who really need it?
and maybe, getting accepted to nus?

i remember i used to have big dreams,
i guess i still do have it now,
but eversince i started working here,
it kinda got suppressed.

this is not me.
i dont work well with authority and i dont give respect freely.
oh well.

at least thats out.
i had a very interesting night with farhana yesterday.
and im really glad to have her as my friend who has stood by for almost 8 years.
thanks babe! (=
i love you too.
hehe.

i believe for now,
im not looking for love.
maybe in the future when i stumble into it.
then i guess,
things'll be different.

maybe im back to my school days.
the purity of it,
the innocence.

i have to be strong.
i guess this is the end for today,
before i succumbed to my SAS.

bringing 10 students to PS later for some race thingy.
oh well.
thats all i have to say.

Miss Siti feeling hungry?, sleepy?, tired? and WANTING TO GO HOME signing out.

2008-02-22T20:12:00.005+08:00

salam everyone yet again.

i dont know why im blogging now but,
theres this nagging feeling.

have you ever felt something,
like being drawn to someone or something?
cause the thing is,
thats what i've been feeling these past months.

as if im in love.
but the thing is i dont know to whom.
something forbidden.
something right.

im not so sure what im babbling about,
but its just that i want to get it out of my chest.
thats the reason why the song, "kekasih gelapku"
has been the IT song for me now.

keep playing it on replay.
and...
im still lost in that.
in love.

whether can i still feel love or not.
the last thing that i wanna do is to hurt anyone,
and i really hate it when without realising it,
i did.

sometimes, i just wish that i can go back to my pre secondary school times.
where from pri to sec,
i was only involved in one-sided love.
and no one was hurt except me.

and that is good enough for me.
maybe i could do that.
going back to one-sided love.
and maybe...

i already am.
to someone that i have no idea who,
but the feeling is in the air.

again,
i make no sense.
but thats how i feel.

i just hope it'll make sense at last cause,
i've already somehow ruined a nice relationship and,
i really dont know why.
i've made quite a number of big decisions ever since i got sick last august.

what does this means?
i thought it was just a phase that i was going through,
maybe its partly true but the other part,
i've no idea.

please Allah...
guide me.
all i want is a simple life.

oh Allah...
please make me understand what is going with my heart,
and who is that particular person.
haiz...

am i dreaming?
am i talking nonsense?
maybe...
but hey, its my blog. =p

im still looking for you.
whoever you are.
wherever you are.

Miss Siti feeling "love-lost", sleepy and melancholy signing out.

Selimut Putih

2008-02-21T16:08:00.004+08:00

salam all... (=

i just have the urge to blog cause,
believe it or not,
i spent the last 1 and a half hrs crying.
and i believe i've used up like most of the tissues here.

nope...
nothing bad happened to me nor,
it wasnt any bad news but........

it was a drama show called "Selimut Putih".
it was really damn good lahhh i tell you.
i truly truly truly recommend watching it.
i never stopped crying i tell you.

click this link for the first part.

it was so sad...
seriously.
i was sobbing at the end.

like really,really, really.
and now i think my nose looks like rudolph the reindeer. =p
wahhh.
it really leaves a very big impact on me now.

and i seriously swear that im going to kill,
whoever treats their parents that way.
haiz... i wish i am successful and rich enough to help all this people.

seriously ahh.
i cant tahan seeing people suffer that way.
i rather that i suffer.

haiz...
i would never ever treat someone like that,
and if i do,
im a big IDIOT!

Allah is fair.
and... with this show,
it shows you that whatever goes around,
really do comes around.

i dont know what else to say except that,
im still sad about it and...
feel like crying again,
but...

i feel alive.
a good cry was really worth it. (=
brings me back to the ground.

i dont know whats going to happen to my own life,
but whatever it is,
im just thankful to be in this beautiful religion. (=

now im going to go solat,
and maybe cry again and after that,
meet farhana!
wheeee!

wish me luck for M9,
hopefully i can pass and not burden other people.

Miss Siti feeling weepy, sad, revived and loving MANKIND signing out. (=

2008-02-19T14:19:00.003+08:00

salam to all once again. (=

its been like... almost a week?
haha.

and well,
knowing my life,
lots has happened.

as usual.
and...
oh ya.

V-day.
i somehow enjoyed it.
was a good day...
had a good pleasant start thanks to someone. (=
though i had to rush to work and RUN!

aiyahhh.
so ugly sehh i wear the three quarter shorts, shirt and shoes...
some more got that someone say i look pretty. =p
crazy!

work was ok that day.
had valentine wishes coming in and such,
so sweet of them. (=

well...
i had a date that day i guess and...
it was nice though we end the night at the airport,
sending zarian off to brunei. =p

and my 'angel' gave me chocolates for valentines.
haha... surprised to find it on my table.

things has become quite confusing nowadays.
and i realised that it has been a really long while since i hang out with girls,
except for that day when i helped fizah take her rxz from pasir ris.
its really weird hah.

everytime planned with farhana,
confirm tak jadi. =p
haha...
but its ok...

things happened and i cant wait to see her this thu night. (=
and im glad that im chatting with ana now.
hehe.

finally.
some girl contact.
hahahaha!

the thing is,
i wanna write more but...
im so mentally drained out by the M9 and...
i seriously cant wait for it to be over.

i wanna start selling right away sehhh.
invest for people their cpf and such...
darnation...!

insyaallah i can pass tomorrow.
though now all i really want is to sleep.
soooo exhausted sehhh. -_-"""

oh yaaaa.
now i remember....
i forgot to mention abt the family picnic that i had on CNY.
hehe...

was fun larrr.
havent seen my other family members for awhile.
played lotto bingo! and...
we kinda gambled!

HAHAHAHA!
it was for pure fun...
and even though i was just the caller for the numbers,
i came out with the most money and its ok...

cause the one getting them are my own family also. (=

well....
later at 3.30 i have to 'stage' an "East Coast Next Top Model",
with the Malay dancers cause i have no idea what to do with them.
hahaha.

and...
i still havent study for tomorrow's M9.
waaaahhh.
im soooooo sleeeepppyyyyyyyy.

until here?
hahaha.
and................................

i think im starting salsa sooon!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Miss Siti feeling sleeppyyy and wanting to hide under the meja signing out!

Post 21.

2008-02-13T13:57:00.004+08:00

salam all. (=

its been almost 12 days since my last entry.
its considered an improvement actuali compared to last few months.
at least im blogging liao, feez! =p
haha.

k...
so far,
i survived the so-called celebrated "21".
and thank Allah my birthday's already over.

though the day itself was not that great,
thanks to badut and NI peeps making it better,
the post-celebration wasnt quite bad.

so far,
im just glad that i got something.

a wallet from sinah (my financial advisor and colleague-to-be),
a cute jacket from hafeez,
perfume and hand lotion from abid,
plastic rose and cookies from badut,
a strawberry cheesecake from the NI peepz
and last but not least,
a Crunch chocolate bar from atiyah (P6 student).

plus all the birthday wishes from all my dear friends and,
students alike. (=

i have been through almost 3 exams,
the dreaded M9 and...
i find that my work here as a ccpe is deteriorating.
and i cant wait for 4 months to be over.

the only thing that im going to miss here are the students.
and thank Allah i met kadir up that night.
at least it isnt me that's feeling like this.
all the monthly reports and such not done and posted to company.
haha.

im glad to have met some old friends and being close again,
like hafeez.
haha.

it was sooo sweeet of him to treat me to a belated birthday treat.
i felt...
special that day and i didnt know that i could feel like that. (=

with the car....
swensens....
playing para-para (my latest addiction)
bowling...
rounding until morning.

haha.
but especially,
the present.

that was soooo the very sweeett lahhh feeez.
the box was beautiful.
i love it. (=

and not forgetting abid's perfume.
very nice smelling bid...
plus the slippers which you previously torn it. =p

played badminton with hafeez yesterday and...
i won?
HAHAHAHA! =p

and i finally get to go to kallang kfc.
haha.
never been there before sehhhh.
and....

found some place cool!
shhhhhhhhhhhhh!

my next exam is next monday and,
hopefully,
i managed to pass insyaallah.

just now while i was viewing "ask baba ali",
regarding women who's 30 but not married yet and...
i found myself thinking that what he says has some truth in it.

especially abt the "khadijah asking nabi to marry her".
as long as you already found a guy who has his deen, responsible, stable in a sense and etc,
a woman shouldnt wait if shes interested.

and you know what...
im giving myself 2 years for that kind of guy to find me,
or fate...
when its up...

im going to propose to a brother a marriage proposal.
sounds bold i know,
but...
thats somehow the last resort ahh.

and...
i kinda like that kind of way.
i mean for a guy to approach with a marriage proposal instead,
of asking to be in a relationship.

but for now,
im leaving it up to Him,
for He's the Only One who knows.
insyaallah.

Miss Siti feeling kinda weird, hopeful?, sleepy and kinda lethargic signing out!

My 21st Birthday!

2008-02-01T09:24:00.000+08:00

salaaam again all. (=

its finally here...
my 21st birthday!

oh mannn.
the point of no return.
fully-fledged adult now.
hehe.

as usual,
i had my bout of sadness,
and had a good cry yesterday night.
and ok lahhh.
zarian was there.

belanja him prata maahhh. =p
haha.

seems like im belajaing pple even though its my birthdayyy.
muahahaha!
oh well...

as what i've been telling myself yesterday,
just dont expect much.
and im trying to psych myself out.

the good news is that i finally passed my M5,
though now i have to study for M9 which i'll take on tuesday.
wahhhh.
violent sehhhhhh. -_-"""

anyhow,
i do hope that i can have a fun night tomorrow with some of my frenz.
and tonight,
there'll be some kind of reunion with the NI alumnis,
and well...

its been awhile since i hang out with them. (=
its going to be a low-key night.
and im sure we're going to celebrate cik qinah's birthday also,
since its just tomorrow.

haha!
my 364 day older friend. (=

im not sure what to expect of today,
but as hafeez said,
its just only the start of the day.

i always have a phobia with my birthday.
and well...
hopefully somehow this year turns out a bit better.
maybe.

im letting the flow to guide me through today.
tawakkal saja padaNya.
and yeahh...
its a friday, 1st of february, 23rd Muharram.

lets celebrate!
haha.
its a nice day.

and i guess its time for me to join recess,
and take pictures of the students.
i want to remember this day.

as i only turn 21 once,
and i dont think i still be here at east coast pri,
on my next birthday.

so...
here goes.

wish me luck!

Miss Siti feeling a bit old, sad, thinking of Allah and a teeny excited signing out. (=

Last Day Before Adulthood!

2008-01-31T09:22:00.000+08:00

salam my dear friends. (=

this is the last day that i am 20 years old.
how im going to spend it?

well.
of course im at work,
and then hopefully insyaallah pass my 4th attempt at M5,
for it definitely be a wonderful birthday present for myself. (=

after all that,
im going to pay my motor instalment,
and maybe go bugis to shop for awhile,
provided that my pay is already in. =p

yeahhh.
the last day before i reach adulthood.
be legal, and i mean fully.

21.
what an age.
even my mummy was saying,
wahhh... 21 alreadyyy. =p

as usual,
everytime my birthday comes around,
im actually scared.
that something bad would happen,
like it always did.

im not hoping for much this year,
though i cherished last year's celebration by badut.
for he has given me so much presents and celebrate it,
till i dont really mind that others didnt actually care about it.

somehow. =p
but for those who did,
thank you so very much. (=

i took half day off tomorrow,
just to give myself a treat for my birthday.
hehe.

though i do want to meet someone on my special day.
for i guess i miss him.
and...
well, i just needed him to be there for awhile,
to hold me for awhile.

i never had a guy who spent my birthday together twice.
but i guess he's still depressed about seeing me.
though i really hope that he'll be strong enough now.
cause, i believe that if you're fated,
then dont fret.

no use being heartbroken or sad.
just leave it to Him,
for thats what im doing now,
and so far,
i havent cried that much for awhile.

except that time when i called him,
and...
heard his voicemail.

haiz.
i am really sorry about everything.
i just dont want to be tied down now.

i guess all i need for tomorrow are my friends,
and him.
and of course, my students. (=

haiz.
i havent been feeling well these days.
and i think i know why.

been starting work an hour earlier as requested,
and im not used to it.
i always fall asleep and have these painful migraines.

well...
i gotta wrap it up now.
have to go and get more work from the hod.

im exhausted i guess...
both mentally and physically,
and the weird thing is...
i havent been 'lepaking' since last sunday. -_-"""

for now,
i really wish that i can pass today's exam,
and finally go out tonight. =p

updates soon when im already 21.
hehe.

Miss Siti feeling sleepy, sick, nervous, scared and last day before turning adult signing out.

2008-01-22T12:55:00.000+08:00

salam again all. (=

and heyy.
its a record.
im blogging again.

haiz.
actuali now im feeling so sad.
between a dear friend of mine and my father.

whom to choose?
whom to believe?

im sure that it was all a miscommunication.
just a weird twist of fate.
haiz.

oh well.
i just hope that the truth prevails.

im like so hungry now.
haha. =p
as usual im sidetracked.

and in 15 mins time,
i have to take care of the japanese drums cca.
darnnn.
i wanna go for malay dance.

the funny thing just now was when i went down,
almost all the students were like shouting "Miss Siti!"
all trying to get my attention.
for a moment there,
i maybe know how it feels like to be a celebrity.

HAHA!
yeahhhh.
thats how it is like working in this school.
i dont know how i manage to attract the students but i did.

the weird thing was just now we had the parent support grp meeting in the morning where i was expected to write the minutes when this girl, a daughter of one of the parents there,
came up to me and trying to get my attention.

she was writing 's' the wrong way so i helped to correct it.
then when the meeting was over and i went over to my vp,
the girl suddenly wrapped herself around my legs.
haha.

aiyahhh.
weird laaaaahhh. =p

oh well.
i guess i stop it for now.
have to attend already to the students.

Miss Siti feeling sleepy and hungry signing out. =p

2008-01-21T01:17:00.000+08:00

salam all. (=

this has already been a defunct blog,
and to those who still remembers that its actuali here,
well...

the thing why miraculously,
im typing here in the middle of the night.

i guess its the hanging out with subhan and mizie,
plus zarian...
too many memories came back.
the time that i had shared with them.
the different phases of my life and such.

endless probing by subhan abt some defunct 'love interest'.
and the 'taboo' subject between me and zarian.

here i am...
finally having the courage to actually click on that familiar nick,
and saying hi.
looking through the pictures,
the blogs.

did i make a mistake?
was it wise for me?

so many questions going through my mind right now.
memories flooding back.
maybe... its just the night air.

maybe.

maybe i just missed being loved.
the simple gestures and hugs.
maybe.

but...
i stand my ground.
for im going through another phase of my life.

freedom...
no strings attached.

2 weeks until i finally turn 21.
finally being an adult.

revisiting my past...
thats what i realised im doing now.
and... solving unfinished businesses.

to Him...
only to Him i leave up my life to.
for now,
im going on this path which im sure would complete me.

to my friends,
just dont judge what im doing.
just understand.

well...
i guess its time for me to turn in.
work tomorrow. =p

thank god im seeing the students.
seeing the P1s at recess.
taking care of them.

the only highlight of my job now.

good night everyone.
will blog again when the mood strikes insyaallah.
may Allah bless you all. (=

Miss Siti feeling sleepy and melancholy signing out.

2008-01-14T10:46:00.000+08:00

salam all. (=

it has been a really long time since i updated this blog.
though, this might not be an appropriate timing for me,
but...
finally im typing something now and moments like this are rare. =p

things have changed.
there are of course reasons to why its changing.
but you know what...
im seriously leaving it to Him.

for,
i dont want to waste my time thinking what ifs and what nots.
i believe that whatever happens will always lead you back to the right path,
whether is it good or bad.
and all it takes is faith.

lots of it.

looking back 5 months back,
in a way,
i finally did somethings that i didnt had the guts to do.
somethings thats both good and bad, i admit.
somethings that i was really scared of making.

the fear of mistakes.
humans.
thats what we are.

and thus,
im going through another phase of my life,
before i turn 21.

without planning to,
some unexpected things just popped up.
how interesting that just 5 months ago,
i was just planning on being where i was.

content.
somehow.

but i guess,
some stuff were meant to happen.
and as i've said before.
theres always this fear.

and the truth is,
im darn scared.
very.

as i've said before,
i am sidetracked as usual from blogging.
its almost 6 now and...
i gotta go on home.

will continue from where i left when i have enough willpower to type.
still have lots of work to do.
so, here i am,
almost going to be locked out of the staff room,
still sick and sleepy...

to all of you out there,
this is Miss Siti signing out. (=

The Humanitarian.

2007-11-21T14:23:00.001+08:00

The Enneagram Test

My Result: Type 2 - The Humanitarian

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of empathy for other people. In fact, you're the kind of warm, sincere person who can be uniquely capable of seeing the good in others.

Take this test >

Which Brain?

2007-11-21T14:09:00.001+08:00

The Brain Test

My Result: Right-brained

Most right-brained people like you are flexible in many realms of their lives. Whether picking up on the nuances of musical concerto, appreciating the subtle details in a work of art, or seeing the world from a different perspective, right-brained people are creative, imaginative, and attuned to their surroundings.

People probably see your thinking process as boundless, and that might translate to your physical surroundings as well. Some people think of you as messier than others. It's not that you're disorganized, it's just that you might use different systems to organize (by theme, by subject, by color). Straight alphabetization and rigidly ordered folders are not typical of right-brained behavior.

You are also more intuitive than many. When it comes to reading literature, you probably prefer creative writing or fiction over nonfiction. And when it comes to doing math, you might find you enjoy geometry more than other forms like algebra.

Take this test >

A Difference.

2007-11-21T13:59:00.001+08:00

How Can You Change the World?

My Result: Dedication to Change

While other people sit around and wait for life to come to them, you put yourself out there and make it happen. After all, if you don't like the way things are, how do you expect anything to be different unless you do something about it?

Determined and dedicated, you're not afraid to go out on a limb and do what you can to make an impact. You realize change doesn't happen overnight, and you don't give up easily even when the going gets tough. That's what makes you such an inspiration. And it's also sure to make the world a better place. Bravo!

Take this test >

My Dream Job

2007-11-21T13:50:00.001+08:00

What's Your Dream Job?

My Result: President

Unlike some people, your dream job doesn't involve lying on the beach somewhere or being paid to take naps. No, you love to get things done and get them done right (or at least, your way). That's why your dream job is to be president! Can't you just picture it? Being in charge and making the really important decisions? Changing the world each and every day? And forget about flying coach — you've got Air Force One. We bet that sounds like heaven for a driven go-getter like you.

Of course you don't have to come in first at the polls to succeed. As long as you remember to keep asking questions and demanding change, your vision can still help make the world a better place.

Take this test >

Ramadhan's over. =(

2007-10-18T16:14:00.000+08:00

salam all. (=

well.
i think i might be getting over my SAS soon enough.
though... i've been doing something else since morning,
and NOT doing my work. -_-"""

ooookaaaayy.
i'll start doing it straight away after i have finally updated.
though its late and.... raining and...

k, i'll start. =p

first thing first,
ramadhan has come and go,
leaving me with bittersweet memories and unfulfilled wishes.

its a bit different this ramadhan,
but nonetheless,
i made it.
with some things that i've learnt.

ramadhan rocks played a major part in the beginning of my ramadhan,
and im very grateful to have work with some of the wonderful people like,
hafiz jenggo, sis huda, mochen, liyana, hafriz and syiqin.

im beginning to love these people a lot.
they have helped me through and made me more stronger. (=

not to forget the guys who have helped me to get through ramadhan with much laughs and light heart - abid and akmal.

to the friends that i've "lost",
rohana, sajeedah, dewi, farhana, aszad, apek, fizah.
how i wish we had spent more time in the holy month together. (=

to that one person that i've 'found',
you have somehow shown that you are serious this time.
and i really do appreciate all that you have done for me.
please do just redha with we have now,
and hopefully insyaallah,
kalau jodoh tak ke mane. (=

i miss ramadhan.
i seriously do.
theres so many things that i want to do in that month.

my path of spirituality didnt manage to start and hopefully by next ramadhan, i will.
insyaallah if i can live that long.

well.
i think thats done for ramadhan. (=

its noww...
HARI RAYAAAA~~!!! =D
and im already going to be flat broke soon. =p

its the month where the non-working people rejoice,
and the working people reduced to almost penniless. =p
hehe.

its pretty fast that its going to be almost a week into syawal.
and im already booked for the 2 weekends to go out.
wheeee!!!

though im kinda tight with the bus rent moneyy. =(

ohh yeahhh.
forgetttt.
last weeek got some IDIOT who tried to steal my bike at parkway parade.
that IDIOT pulled out my ignition wires and thank Allah,
i have a handle lock. -_-""""

i swearr.
whoever that person is,
when i find you...
YOU ARE GONNA GET ITTT!!!

for now,
let Allah do it to you first. =p

hmmmmmm.
worrrrkkkkkkkkkkkk.
mustt dooo worrrrkkkkkk.

the last two days,
some of the p5 students came to my house.
haha.

cooked them spaghetti yesterday.
the same people who came to my house on both days were shahiran and majidah.
until now shahiran is treating cher as a surrogate brother. -_-"

im tiredd lliaaaoo.
hopefully the rain has stop,
or else later cannot pick herda up to go HQ.

aissshhh!
till i update again.
somehow.

SAS coming back pretty sooooonnnnnn.

wonder whether is there a cure for SAS...

Ramadhan:
I Lost Someone and Found Someone, Now I Found That Someone and Lost That Someone.

Miss Siti feeling tired, sleepy and SAS-yyy as usual over and out.

PS Happy Birthday to Amir and Solihin!!!
and
Happy Advanced Birthday, My Brownie. (=

Night Of Power

2007-10-18T14:57:00.001+08:00

FriendsterKit.com Click here to get one

2007-10-08T16:48:00.000+08:00

salam all.

okie.
this time im trying my best not to succumb to my dreadful SAS. =p

it has been awhile since i've updated.
haha.
and by the last post,
you would have noticed that i said something abt my P.

today...

i just heard that she's resigning!!!
haha.

takk payah susah2 aku nak bunuh diee.
hehe. =p
how interesting seehhh.

oh yeaaah.
just had NI iftar yesterday at chai chee.
it was a success lahh, as usual. (=
i just love doing iftars in ramadhan.

was at chai chee from morning till night,
and some more im already an alumni plus im not in the organising comm.
but i helped out in the best way i can along with saddiq and farhana.

i just hope that i didnt step on anyone's toes along the wayy.
hehe.

i cleaned a fan and also...
paint a wall!!!
hahaaa.

im a better painter than wani! =p
fail herrr.
muahahahahaha!!!

oh yeahh.
dr faishal's entourage was big esp the cheenoooneeee.

hmphh!
dahh lahh tak puasa,
pas tu nak buat menyebokk ajee.
daah laaahh halau org2 tuaa tuu!!!

arghhh!
k fine, sesungguhnya aku berpuasa.

then i talked with dr faishal at the end of the iftar,
since this time he can afford to stay longer than last year.
haha and he still remembered me.

and also the fact that i actually emailed him early this year abt him writing me a testimonial so that i have a chance to get into nus. (=

he couldnt find the mail but he told me to email him again,
so that he can give me one.
alhamdulillah! (=

oh ya,
he also asked me to join as a grassroot leader.

uhmmmm. uhmmm. uhmmm.
kinda oddd sehhh.

some more he invited me to his Meet-the-People session and help out.
haha...

i somehow find this kinda scary, funny and flattering.

oh well.
so far life has been unexpected yet expected.
im still trying to get use to it.
somehow.

insyaallah,
all i ask for is time and strength from Him,
for i feel i have sinned so much.

hopefully next ramadhan will be a better spiritual path for me,
insyaallah if i can live to see the next.

Miss Siti feeling very hungry, sleepy, sad and SAS coming backk over and out.

2007-10-05T16:52:00.000+08:00

salam.

thats it.
im having a big problem updating this blog.

Serious Case of SAS!!!! -_-""""
[ Short Attention Span ]

dont like my P.
arghhh!

oh ya.
hi badut!!!
hehe. (=

bye!
gotta go home.

Miss Siti just here for awhile having swollen eyes and hungry over and out.

2007-09-27T15:54:00.000+08:00

salam to those who came to my blog and never tagged. =p

its been awhile eh.
haha.

i actually have been trying to update the past few days,
but then well,
my SAS is really getting bad.
haha.

SAS = Short Attention Span.

the one thing that im really proud of is that...

I SURVIVED RAMADHAN ROCKS!!! =D
YESSSAAAHHH!

haha.
seriously it was a hell of a challenge for everyone.
that i assure you.

i was in charge of the dragonboat and rock climbing.
waaahh.
early in the morning already "cobaan" you know my puasa,
with the dragonboat cause of this "ah lian" attitude.

haha.
me and saddiq were soo readyy to kill her.
well, saddiq was more than ready.
he was already saying the F word and all. =p

my wisdom tooth was hurting all the way laahh.
until the time when we got to istighfar to sleep,
i was already asleep until sahur.
haha.

anyhow,
i guess enough abt that.
hehe.

these few days so far has been pretty confusing.
somehow.

unexpected yet somehow expected.

went to rp iftar yesterday.
waaahh.
first time go to rp.
haha.

met some people that i know,
like usual will be some of the ittihadul peepz. (=

went along with akmal cause i know nuts how to get to rp.
haha.

tomorrow is the childrens' day concert.
the teachers are wearing school uniform and well,
i will be wearing one too.
haha.

my primary school unifom okie!
and finally,
the unveiling of the cha cha teachers!!!
hehe.

hope everything will go well for tomorrow.
oh well.
i gotta go and look after the malay dance.

and oh ya.
being the middle man kinda sucks.
dont shoot the messenger.
haiz. =(

Miss Siti feeling sleepy, confused and a bit sad over and out.

2007-09-21T12:06:00.000+08:00

salaam all once again. (=

came pretty late to work just now.
aiyyyoohh.
cause i woke up at 10.30 am.

i was like...
shittteeeee!

recess!
students!
basketball!
arghhhh!!!

i got in at 11 am and then my VP wanted to see me.
she commented on my punctuality. -_-"""
this is actually my first time i come sooo late laahh.
the others are actually late for the PSG meetings. =p

and now here i am,
just going to get ready for the cha cha pratice and the childrens' day concert rehearsal later on at 3 plus.

somehow im still in dreamland.
haha.

and also somehow,
im kinda looking and not looking forward to this weekend.
for one, ramadhan rocks.

hmmmmm.
its going to be tiring but also exciting.
im just looking forward to have some rest actually.
haha.

cause right now,
im tired...
and my wisdom tooth and ulcer is aching like mad. -_-"""

well.
yesterday was fun.
hehe.

i always look forward to in going out with ittihadul.
the people are really fun and...
no worries with them.
but they always kept asking me "Where's Stanley?"

oh well.

as usual, we were cam-whoring.
thats our speciality.
haha.

i love them to bits sehh! (=
the usual people always.
it doesnt matter actuali.
hehe.

yeah.
i had a great time last night.
well.
until...

dejavu.
the dot.

haiz.

now im still undecided about tonight.
i gotta finish this post fast cause gotta practice cha cha.
they are already in the music room already.
haha.

wish me luck my lovely visitors.

Miss Siti feeling sleepy, a bit sad and still wanting to sembunyi under the meja over and out.

2007-09-19T18:09:00.000+08:00

salam all.

here i am again.
actuali im supposed to go home since,
its 6 plus already.

feeling sad actuali.
and well,
theres only one person who could affect me that much.

haiz.
its the 19th again.
a month before his birthday.
i dont know what to expect anymore.

i thought i would be used to the pain by now,
but i guess not.
its still the same.

k lah.
enough of being idiotic.

i went to science centre just now with the science club.
got myself a fake wound.
haha.

its actuali vaseline. =p
plus some cocoa,
which made me to feel hungryyy.
ishhh.

basically overall today,
had an ok daay at work.
going to perform cha cha with the MT and Maths dept for the childrens' day concert.

i might be doing something too.
haha.

hanging out with abid and akmal,
somehow help me to drown my sorrows away.
they are like my beer or wine.
haha.

i think i gotta go.
dont wanna be locked up in the staff room.

Miss Siti being idiotic as usual over and out.

2007-09-18T12:56:00.000+08:00

salam all. (=

for the record...
I AM TOTALLY STRESSED UP!!!

just trying to think of ways to help publicise ramadhan rocks,
makes me want to hide under the table and not go out.
like seriously.

i dont know what else to do.
im soo tired of thinking.
even my own work i am left behind.

this is not what i picture my ramadhan as.
haiz.
please Allah...
give me strength.

better yet,
please give me 100 participants for Ramadhan Rocks. =(

haiz.
oh yeahh.
this is my 3rd day being in charge of the recreation centre during recess,
and well,
the students are pretty handful.

just cleaned up the PE room yesterday afternoon with some p3 students.

oh yeah.
just now one of the students, hidayat beat up his friend, shahid.
and...
my P was soo livid cause shahid's back was blue black.

haiz.
my heart went to both kids of course.
i tried talking to hidayat cause i got to know him through rugby,
and his elder sister somehow bonded with me during P5 camp.

hidayat somehow has this anger management problem.
the eldest brother is in muhammadiyah now,
and he and his sister lives with the grandmother.

he somehow listened i guess,
but he was crying.
i know that he was scared as whats going to happen to him and shahid.

i told him to apologise to shahid who had to lie face down on the bed,
cause he was in pain.

haiz.
i want to help this students.
seriously.

i know that my school has lots of problem kids.
and believe me,
this isnt new to me.

i've met and somehow helped this kids.
cause, in some fact im also one too.
somehow. =p
but He never did let me be one that bad.
hehe.

tomorrow,
i have to bring the science club members to science centre.
AGAIN! -_-"""

bored man.
going there soo many times.

oh well.
i think i've written quite a lot.

the thing that has been bugging me all through the week is that,
i miss him.
i really really really do.

finally, i can terawih today. (=
but i dont wanna go for the meeting can.

Miss Siti feeling pretty sad, tired and stressed over and out.

2007-09-16T15:04:00.000+08:00

salam.

here i am again.
still feeling idiotic,
still feeling syiok sendiri.

im dreaming i know.

well.
this phrases from the movie, "a walk to remember"
i believe that they meant something.

just let me dream.

" Love is always patient and kind,
it is never jealous.

Love is never boastful or conceited,
it is never rude or selfish, it never takes offence
and its not resentful.

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins,
but delights in the truth.
It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope
and to endure whatever comes."

its beautiful. (=

Miss Siti as usual being more idiotic over and out.

A Romantic Wish.

2007-09-15T22:20:00.000+08:00

salam. (=

here i am watching movies.
heh.

been awake since 8 plus in the morning and,
well...
im pretty tired actuali but the only thing now,
im starting to watch romantic movies.

i dont know why,
maybe.... im just being nostalgic?

i always loved watching romantic movies.
cause... its so wonderful.
love is a wonderful feeling.
and i believe that everyone thinks that too.

but one thing is,
i know that i cant be the female lead in the movie.
its impossible.

while waiting for abid and akmal to pick me up,
im just going to continue watching "a walk to remember".
for i can dream, cant i?

how i wish that someone would love me,
and...
misses me that it hurts.

haha.
such a lame thought.

Miss Siti being idiotic over and out.

A 'New' Beginning...

2007-09-15T09:20:00.000+08:00

salam all.

i have officially changed my skin and...
open it up to public again.
haha.

actually the real reason is,
i dont want this blog to be like my last blog.
so thus why,
i dont put my pics nor any of my personal info.

just vague info.

this blog would not be that overly personal,
and if i do want it to be,
it will be back to private again. (=

im actuali pretty burnt out.
from thinking too much as usual.
and somehow,
ramadhan rocks....

well.
i feel like as if i've failed in making the publicity better,
as in...
i never did my job like that.

i dont know.
if i wasnt working,
i would have gone to the masjids and all.

giving out the flyers.
and also,
my body is like having a strike on me.

whenever i finished eating,
confirm i feel really sleepy and this isnt good at all.
i guess i must be really tired out cause in the last 2 days,
i have been sleeping pretty early.

especially on the 1st ramadhan,
straight after i ate,
watched tv for awhile before surrendering into slumber.
now thats bloody early for me.

until when i woke up,
there were like lots of messages...
and all are about the ramadhan rocks flyers at the masjids.
haiz.

i dont know.
this by far is the hardest event that i went through.
i guess, for one thing,
im already drained out phsyically and well,
emotionally and mentally,

im just starting to build it up after getting burnt last month.
but now the thing is,
im absolutely drained out physically,
and im starting to lose out emotionally too.

only the mental is there but how can i work with only one,
when the other two is almost failing?
haiz.

i feel soo bad.
and i really do apologise to the ramadhan rocks comm for my failure.
haiz.

and oh yeah,
i just got to find out that my school wants to keep me on as a permanent ccpe.
after that initial threat of not wanting me.
arghhhh!

thought i could change school or...
terminated?
haha.

ok lahh.
im nuts.
i need the damn dough man.
gotta pay off my whitey. =p

you know,
i was looking forward to ramadhan.
in cleansing myself, in finding my peace.

but...
the truth is,
i just want the event to be over and done with,
so that i can concentrate on ramadhan.

im sorry.

i also cant wait for the end of the month,
cause im like pretty broke now.
after giving out 1k to kenneth for whitey.

ish!

i really do cant wait for the ittihadul buke next week.
cause i miss the crazy times that we have esp the cam whoring part.
i do hope that this time it would be more than the 9 usual peepz.
hehe.

before i end this post,
i would like to share this that i found on the bulletin,
that i think its really heart-wrenching.

Month 1
Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I
have all my organs. I love the sound
of your voice. Every time I hear it, I
wave my arms and legs. The sound of
your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month 2
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my
thumb. If you could see me, you could
definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm
not big enough to survive outside my
home though. It is so nice and warm in
here.

Month 3
You know what Mommy, I'm a girl!! I
hope that makes you happy. I always
want you to be happy. I don't like it
when you cry. You sound so sad. It
makes me sad too, and I cry with you
even though you can't hear me.

Month 4
Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It
is very short and fine, but I will
have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my
time exercising. I can turn my head
and curl my fingers and toes, and
stretch my arms and legs. I am
becoming quite good at it too.

Month 5
You went to the doctor today. Mommy,
he lied to you. He said that I'm not a
baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I
think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?

Month 6
I can hear that doctor again. I don't
like him. He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home. The
doctor called it a needle. Mommy what
is it? It burns! Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it! Mommy!! HELP
me!!

Month 7
Mommy, I am okay. I am in God's
arms. he is holding me. He told me
about abortion. Why didn't you want
me, Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

Repost this if you have a heart and
are against Abortion.

and...
before i really do finish this post,
just want to say.

i miss you.

Miss Siti over and out.

2007-09-04T01:08:00.000+08:00

salam.

you know what i realised now,
i never belong anywhere.

and even though i believe that i did,
the truth is,
i am not.

im getting forgetful i guess,
and that is...
im just a passing help to everyone.

the thing is,
i dont want it to sound negative or something but...
i do hope it makes some sense to these group of people who meant something to me.
and that i am glad to have met each and everyone of you. (=

looking at others,
well...
i dont know ehh.

i just like to see people happy.

and now im kinda hating myself for feeling selfish.
that... it doesnt matter about what i think or feel,
but what matters is other people.

nothing belongs to me...
uhmmm... like duhh.
hehe.

the thing is,
i just feel kinda weird.
i guess im just exhausted.

Miss Siti over and out.

2007-09-02T12:42:00.000+08:00

salam all. (=

hehe.
its SUNDAY!!!
k...

no meaning.

went for bike inspection yesterday with ana.
haha.

i was soo blur laahh.
and... im like more poorer.
have to fork out more money for inspection, road tax and petrol.

wahhh.
whiteyy very lucky to have me. =p

the suntec exhibition was sooo crowded that i couldnt wait to get out.
i think im more becoming more short-tempered ever since i had whitey.
hehe.

oh yeaahh.
friday night was the teachers day celebration thingy at miss yap's condo.
the place is quite small. =p
it was a function room.

everyone had to come in polka dots.
the door gift was a flower plus ferrero rocher and some stationery stuff.

the food was nice.
hehe.
like duhhh. =p

i LOVE food!

anyhow,
i guess the highlight of the night was when we had to do limbo.
each group supposed to send out a rep.
and guess who had to go outt lahhh. =p

anyway...
there were 2 guys, 1 quite old lady and...
2 young ladies including moi.
hehe.

finally at last...
the 2 young ladies had to have a face-off.
and...

I WON!!! =D
muahahahaha!!!

everyone was like "WOW!!!"...
"Siti... You take yoga is it???"

haha.
funny people.
i also dont know how.
i just limboed. =p

basically it was my lucky night cause i won an isetan $50 voucher in the lucky draw.
wheeeee!!!

and then after that i tapaauu food for my sister.
had to go back home.

and....
after thatt....
going to go racing! =p
yeaahh rightt.

waited for akmal for hours sehhh.
ok laahhh.
only one hour.
hehe.

finally the 3 of us went to dhoby ghaut cause i wanna check out nizam's workplace.

when we finally managed to find the place,
well...

i was kinda confused.
it was soo noisy and...
everyone's busy playing games.

luckily i managed to find him in all of the chaos.

me and akmal were pokai sooo...
we took the cheapest on the menu.
hehe.

and we played games.
had to.

or else we dont know what to do.
we made noise just cause we are tooo annoyed with the other tables.
the girls were like screaming and stuff.
feel like knocking their heads. =p

well.
i was just there cause of a fren.
wanna see how his workplace was.

finally around 2am, we went off.
nizam's knocking off at 3 but he's going supper with his colleagues so we went off first.

made our way to esplanade at last.
planned to go home early but then...
we didnt realised how late it was cause,
without planning to,
the 3 of us slept. =p

it was too comfortable there with the breeze and some more,
we were just tired.
haha.

well.
now im going to send my mummy to work!
wheeee!!!

later meeting fi.
hehe.
and...

i dont know.
waahhh.
im tiredd sehhhh actuali.

but i cant sleeeep.
cause maybe its not night.
muahahaha!

random quoted from moi again.
Miss Siti over and out.

2007-08-31T13:23:00.000+08:00

salam. (=

its Teachers Day celebrations today and...
i received a gift and a card.
hehehe.

not bad for a CCPE.
i mean for me ahhh.

i had a nice time since everyone's on celebration mood.

had free lunch.
wheee!
what i always look forward to. =p

the concert wasnt that up there but,
it was ok.
could have had more energy though.

oh ya.
forgot to mention about the P5 camp that i went last fri and sat.
it was such a nice time for me,
cause i managed to bond with the P5s especially 5 Marlin.

the highlight of the camp was...
when all the malay students prayed together.
i was sooo touched that they would like to pray and all.

and some more with me being the only Muslim teacher,
i made it my responsibility to take care of them and making sure they had a place to pray.

luckily we had this male malay instructor who imamed us.
and some more he had the nicest surah voice i heard.
my heart was melting.
hehehe.

yeahh.
i bonded with them alright.

luckily i had lester as a companion.
it was cool.
hehe.

i think the other highlight is when i had to wake up the students for subuh.
wahhh.
i slept only for 2 hrs and woke up at 6.

i went to every bunk and woke the students up.
macam army sergeant sehhhh. =p
some didnt wake up of course,
and i told them that they are covered in pig skin.
hehe.

its a satisfaction when i see all of them praying together,
though they are naughty but they are nice kids.

i somehow got attached to 5 Marlin cause of syahiran and hafis.
both of them are like... "Cikgu Siti... Cikgu Siti!"
then some of them were like... "Lawa!" when i wasnt looking and if i turned,
they'll say.... "Perasan!".
haha.

i ended up just saying "THANK YOU!"
MUAHAHAHAHA!

yeahhh.
those were the days.
hehe.

so sad that it was only 2 days.
and that the camp coordinator is bloody kental. =p
i mean she picked the best group to be 5 Dolphin when everyone could see that 5 Marlin was the best.

sheeeshh!
just because 5 Dolphin is the first class. -_-"""

oh well.
i think i've wrote enough.
hopefully i can go home soon.

got to dress up for the celebration later.
hehe.
and then....

go racing with chick!!!
hehe.
since akmal already brought chick out.

whitey would be sooo happy. (=

ok.
Miss Siti over and out.

2007-08-30T13:35:00.000+08:00

salam all. (=

wah.
i didnt know that someone was actuali reading my blog.
hehe.

thanks ehhh waniiii. =p

well.
it has been almost a week since i've updated and,
believe me,
LOTS has happened.

beginning with last wed.

it was a day with a nice beginning but with a horrible ending.
it was so horrible that i got sick and i swear i heard my heart breaking into,
tiny little teeny weeny pieces.

haiz.

anyhow,
it was noted that i was to leave him alone and such.
so...
i have been doing that this one week.

absolutely NO contact.

it has been going fine actuali so far.
i managed to focus myself on other things.
such as...

- my whitey.
- hanging out with abid and akmal.
- meeting old frenz.
- the ramadhan rocks preparations.
- getting myself back on the right track at work.

yeah.
it has been a good week so far.
the guys has been helping out a lot esp abid.

thank god.
and also thank god again that i wasnt injured that much when i got into a minor accident,
last few days.

BLOODY CAR! =p

mochen and jamil can just laugh at me some more.
hmph!

but poor whitey,
the paint got scraped and rear brake really "bengkok".
luckily akmal's vespa chick coming out soon. =p

im sure whitey would feel a whole lot better.
hehe.

wahhh.
pillioning akmal yesterday night was...
hahahaha.

k lah.
it was cool since i never pillion a guy before.
and some more hes like 12kg more heavier than me. =p

abid was laughing all the way from raffles place till east coast. -_-"""
hahahaha.

work is getting a bit better too.
somehow.
after kena the "sound" with both the P and the VP.
haha.

yeahhh.
its good and all.
though yesterday night,
i had an unexpected msg and call.

i remember i was talking with the guys when my fon got a msg.
i literally froze on the spot.
i told abid to read the msg.

they were asking who was it since the sender was just a dot.
i know who was it of course.
i havent seen that dot at my fon ever since last week.
ever since that dot told me to leave him alone.

while i was thinking whether to reply or not,
the fon rang.

the dot was calling me.
all 3 of us fixated our gaze to my fon.
just staring at it.

then finally the fon stopped ringing.
and im back to that stage again.

yes.
i still love that dot.
and yes...
he can still affect me that much,
even with a single msg and call.

haiz.

oh well.
i think i should end this soon.

i actuali slept for almost 2 hours at my table,
and my work still hasnt be done yet.
hehehe.

too tired ahhh.
been going home late nowadays.
and then some more,
im required to come early to school now. -_-"""

kkk.
having publicity meeting later.
aiyahh.
im soo running out of creative juices.

cant think!
oh yeah.

aces and teachers day celebration tomorrow.
gotta wear polka dot for the after celebration with staff.
heh.

i wanna repair my whitey lahhhh.
i hate writing minutes.
i feel like going to the toilet again.
hehehe.

random quotes from moi. (=

2007-08-21T15:35:00.000+08:00

salam all. (=

its another day at work...
another day for me to find out what im suppose to do,
and another day of avoiding the "top" people.

haha.

feeling very sleepy actuali.
soooo tired.
dont even talk about emotionally...

im tired out of it.
its like its almost gone.
for today maybe.

it was already an emotional night yesterday.
but with the wind blowing off my face,
goshh that was soooooooooo bloody nice.

I FELT FREEE! =p

yesterday was actuali quite fun.
haha.

i havent laughed that much since....
so long actuali.
haha.

akmal was fun too.
i think, put him and abid together,
kecoh!!!

i was laughing sooo hard until i snorted
muahahahaha!

especially seeing akmal being spun around until when he stopped spinning,
he almost fell down. =p

i guess it was a night well-spent.
except for the going home part.
sheeeeeshhh.

argh!
i shouldnt have called.
but its ok.

im going to be fine now.
insyaallah.

hmmmmm.
well, going for solat soon.
tattaa!!!

2007-08-20T15:41:00.000+08:00

salam everyone. (=

well.
i love starting with well...
hahaha.

its another day...
and well, i didnt do any work-related stuff.
mostly trying to finish up my silat and ramadhan rocks stuff.
haha.

and im sooo stuck on the publicity timeline ahhh. =p

going over to settle whitey again with ana, abid and akmal.
haha.
the three As. =p

yesterday was weird for me.
i keep forgetting a lot of stuff.
and i meann the important stuff.

haiz.

i lost my helmet.
darn.

it was the 19th yesterday.
16 months if we were to be.
the darn thing was...

he had the cheek to say "sweet 16 months with you."
and i was like... "oh. you remembered?" -_-"""
blooody dammdooottt.

i think im going to have a problem with 19th of each month for now.
bloodddyy.

i feel like im living in an alternate world.
half the time, i dont even know what im doing.
its like as if my brain just shut down but my body is still moving and do stuff.

i cant remember where i put stuff and such for one.
kinda worried actuali.
haiz.

oh well.
thats all for now.
gotta get out of work.
hehe.

SINAR PAGIII!!! HERE I COME!!! =p
sooooo hungry....

2007-08-17T17:10:00.000+08:00

salamm my beloved frenz. (=

well.
as usual, im feeling lethargic.
yet again. =p

i think working in a school does this to you.
haha.
or is it just mine?

try to work with a dictator principal.
goshhh.
i spent most of my time avoiding her lahhh. -_-""

a lot of the teachers are falling sick,
and i think i'll be the next in line.
wheee!!!
powerr lahhh. =p

yeahh right.

anyway,
wahhhh people...
you all ahh. (those who tagged i mean)
haha.

thankkss tauuu.

i feel like poking nizam's eyes not knowing who i am. =p
name kite... siti nurfadzillah bte husni thamrin.
haha.

hmmmmmm.
bike viewing was a success.
alhamdulillah! =D

i think i saw zarian zooming by our vespa which me and abid are riding on.
haha.

wahhh!
jambu sehhh his sp. =p
soooo jealous.

but its ok.
now i no need to be jealous of him.
cause...

oh yeahhh.
my cousin's gonna get married lahhh!
this year!

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
MUMMMMYYY HEEELLPPPP!!!

its like what the heck is going on with this people.
whats up. =p

since 2005,
my family already has like a wedding every year.
im sooooooo over it lahhh.

i mean, weddings.

to you people out there,
be careful if your cousin wanna start to get married.

cause its like a trend or pattern,
you might never know you'll be next!

ARGHHH!
wedddings! BAH HUMBUG!

haiz.
cant wait to meet my new "boyfriend" tomorrow!!!
wheeee!!!

k.
im outz.
love all of ya. (=

2007-08-16T09:50:00.000+08:00

salam again.

well.
its official.
love stinks, bites and all that shit!

haha.

kk...
i know its kind of laggy for me to say this after almost a month.

i seriously wonder why guys are all like the same.
im sorry to say but...
in all of my experience,
its the guys that mostly do the heartbreaking and going off having fun.

gosh.
i hate feeling this way.

im like totally knackered here at work.
there aint anyone around cause of the psle oral.
all the teachers went off to other schools. -_-"""

im sooo into the bloody emotions now.

im rambling, i know that.
ARGH~!
love stinks.

i guess the only thing that im looking forward to is viewing my bike...
later with abid.
wheeee!!!

bloody zarian,
already take out his. =p

aiyahhh...
and then some more my cousin is getting engaged. -_-"""
cant you guys like just wait!!!

it sucks sehhh every year got wedding in the family.
its like sticking a knife in my heart...
cause i know i cant get married.
somehow.

i mean whos stupid enough anyway.
my husband probably run away.
as usual.

really old news siaa getting dumped.
whatever~!
LOVE STINKS! *gosh. im beginning to sound like a cliche* -_-"""

LALALALALALALA DIDIDIDI DADADADA!!!

2007-08-11T22:25:00.000+08:00

salam.

feeling numbed as usual.
it hasnt been easy for me nowadays.
been losing weight ever since i got sick...
and being admitted.

i am depressed.
and thats the truth.
all i can do now is to turn to Him,
for i have sinned,
and this is my repercussion.

i am lost.
and again, that is the truth.

i dont know where my life is leading now,
i cant feel a thing and its worrying me.

im way beyond hurt.
and its not normal.
not at all.

what am i to do?
my life is a never-ending battle of sanity.
maybe i have gone nuts.

maybe.

2007-05-17T01:26:00.000+08:00

you know what the shitty thing is.

you wait by the phone,
wondering whether will HE call...
but everytime the phone rings,
you found out that it is not HIM but some other guy who keeps calling you.

now, how shitty is that.

argh!
i dont know what else to think about.
seriously.

why isnt he calling?
at least once would have been ok.
and some more he said that he dont want to meet tomorrow,
cause he wanna study.

haiz.

i would have take this in stride,
except that i wont be in singapore this weekend,
and in addition,
its our annivesary this saturday.

he told me before that sometimes he's in his own world,
and i wonder,
can i ever stand that???

when he's stress with studies,
he smokes,
and i hate that.

he was the one who stopped smoking even before we met.

i made a promise to myself and even told him,
i wont ever be married to a smoker.
EVER!

for i had enough of smokers.

all i planned tomorrow is to come down to his school,
pick him up and maybe we can go somewhere,
spend some time with each other.

i even planned what to wear.

arghh!
no one could understand what i am feeling now.

the saturday incident where he called me sooo many times,
cause i didnt picked up any of his calls,
was by far the best thing that could happened.

he was so attentive to me,
even finally bringing me along for his studying.

haiz.
i know that it wont last.

for once,
it was like the first time we went out,
all over again.

now that this is out of my system,
im going to sleep somehow.
try to forget about him.

somehow i believe that theres someone out there for me.

marriage.

2007-05-12T03:09:00.000+08:00

haiz.

its been 2 days since i slept at 7am and woke up at 12pm.
seriously, i am not feeling well.

one moment i am down,
the other, i dont feel anything.
just that im having frequent blackouts.

okkkaaay.
thats not important.

anyway,
its 3 plus in the morning now and my sis is being disturbed,
by her "psychotic" ex.

oh well.

back to me,
haha.

im feeling kind of wistful.
listening to the "zawjati" song.
haiz.

its the sweetest song ever. =)

anyhow, i viewed my cousin profile.
the one whom is the 2nd wife.
i still remembered the time when i had a dream about her getting married.

lo and behold,
she got married out of nowhere.

again, i AM feeling wistful.

im already 20,
and i have this pull towards marriage.
haiz.

how i wished to be the cynic i was 3 years ago.
at least i NEVER thought of marriage.
and here i am now,
wanting to be married.

it is very odd.

ever since i had visions and dreams of marriage last year,
i was kinda put off and scared about it,
since the only worry that i had was no guy would ever want to marry me.

until i thought of telling my mom to arrange a marriage for me,
which actuali is not that bad.

this time,
i have never loved a guy as much as i do for him.

however,
i have this nagging feeling that he might be leaving me,
or something.

im just scared, confused and... lost.

i want to be married, have children and start a home but,
the question is,
with whom?

i should be wrapping this up as its already nearing 4am.
kinda feel much better now,
somehow.

only He knows whats on my mind and heart now.

2007-05-03T01:24:00.000+08:00

i've got nothing much to say,
except...

ouch!

i managed not to cry.
WHEEE!
but what i did was to think about what i did last time.

maybe this is retribution.

its been only 5 months since shit started,
and i guess i just have to wait it out more.
or else,

that will be the end for the both of us.

i really do need to get out of the country,
and i mean i really do.

not for days but...
for weeks.

at least a week.
can someone please take me away from here?

as forrest gump's mama always say...
" life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get. "